


Freeman Entries

by lechechu



Category: Half-Life
Genre: Alien Technology, Alternate Universe, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Blood and Violence, Canon-Typical Violence, Dark Comedy, Gun Violence, Implied/Referenced Character Death, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Other Additional Tags to Be Added
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2020-02-07
Packaged: 2021-02-25 03:08:00
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 10
Words: 26,338
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22425199
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lechechu/pseuds/lechechu
Summary: Gordon Freeman relives his past nightmares upon the shore he was dropped upon. After Marc Laidlaw's 'Epistle 3' version.
Comments: 3
Kudos: 18





	1. Entry #1

Dearest Player,

It has been quite some time since I spoke of past events to what I have referred to as my final epistle. At this point in my life, if there is any point, I have reached a desire to record an addendum - for future reference should my memory continue to falter. I am still dropped upon this shore, by who I have once called enemies, then once called friends.

As I recall the events that transpired - as my memory allows me to recall - involving the Borealis and the potential future of the Combine, I do not, unfortunately, remember much. Friends, yes I do remember, but like many others, they too have forgotten me. So I stay upon this shore, where no harm can come to me and I could do no harm to them by reliving their past nightmares.

As per my own reasoning, Black Mesa was indeed a big mistake. The test, on that fateful day, was indeed a big mistake. I possibly could go on to dwindle my own emotional values and self-esteem but I am not in the right direction to do so. I possibly could blame myself, but that won't solve anything. I still stand here, past events already ensued, and I doubt I could invent time travel to and fro to warn myself for the unforeseen...

I refuse to say the rest. 

Those words will continue to haunt me, as much like whatever was shown before my eyes on that day. 

I can still smell the iron and feel the liquid warmth of it.

Nevertheless, I write now to avoid reaching a conclusion to my own life, to bring my doctorate to good use - to theorize upon what happened and why. But yet nothing comes to me. Except, the items that have finally reached my shore.

Scraps, old crates from the old world still containing items that previously held survival for me. But most surprising, my old suit. Dented, ripped, and full of hermits who snap at the slightest offense. It held up better than I did yet took much of the brunt of force.

I owed it my life, I could never own it.

As the pressure drops, made sure of its presence through the efforts of my aching joints, I suggest a typhoon has come to set in. In efforts to preserve my work, I would need to seek shelter other than a simple tree canopy. The torrents of rain will not keep a simple speck of me dry, so I must expect this letter to be even less than.

Ending on a simple  _ to be continued _ ,

Gordon Freeman, Ph.D.


	2. Entry #2

Dearest Player,

My efforts were not in vain. The shore is long, and even the soft sand could turn quick during this rainfall. I have managed to find a place of salvation from this brutal weather in the form of an old cabin. While dusty, depending on my occasional sneeze fit, it will have to do. I spent constant hours dragging the few items I discovered to this place, yet I'm not sure what spurred me to it.

I have no use for these items, not anymore.

That was the old me, the me who understood what it meant to be docked into the H.E.V. suit. Long hours of reading data and pushing buttons whilst in God's territory. One slip could send me to a place where I could never return. Yet… it has done that anyway.

Eli's words had ranged true. 

On the morning in this dreadful cabin, the rains have yet to let up so I spent the gray hours just staring at that heap of mess. What was I to do with it? What other meaning could it have for me? My life will never be the same being out of it yet it would hardly be the same being back in it - the H.E.V. suit. There's no threat, yet there's no help.

I can't stay angered. The suit isn't at fault. I am looking towards anything for release but I can't bring myself to do so. Bottled, but the lid is closed so tight that even an opener couldn't spare it loose. 

I took a long good look at the cabin, cleaner now that I finally had it with the dust clouding into my eyes. My glasses provide no shield whilst standing. And I can't expect myself to walk around with my eyes closed. There are loose boards and holes awaiting to break my ankles or give me tetanus. 

Medical eval and supplies per my own knowledge can only go so far.

However, as I take a quick glance, I find that this cabin had previous occupants. There were pictures, upon the walls. Faded, old, most likely a cabin for simple leisure tips for one person. Or most likely a doomsday recipient who wanted to prepare for the end of the world, due to all of the military paraphernalia. Their worry is my salvation.

They collected food and water that will help me last for 3 to 4 weeks, should I restrain the primal college graduate student who's broke on a Saturday night in an enclosed buffet palace. The primal side is already kicking in. Two cans are already gone.

I had forgotten the taste of real food. If real food came only from a can. I could not complain however, I've had worse things in my mouth. Sewage, blood, vomit, perhaps not even my own. And perhaps I should stop talking about something such as that while I have my last can for the day.


	3. Entry #3

Dearest Player,

I apologize for not signing off on that last letter. Bitter exhaustion had swept me clean and I only woke to the sound of harsh winds beating against the window. Depending on the light that has grayed the cabin and surrounding items, it's most likely daytime. And depending on the aches in my back, I slept for 12 hours.

The cot I occupy is less than satisfactory but the 12 hours I spent on it must mean something. It does its job, but not in the slightest comfortable way.

Depending on the sleep I've acquired, maybe it's comfortable to a certain degree. Either way, the blues have struck in. I grow tired of this rain and wish to plant myself out to the Sun. As a native of Seattle, I should be used to it. 

But as a previous resident in New Mexico, that's shot out the window. Sunshine was always there, with the occasional thunderstorm. However, you damn well know that the Sun shone in 30 minutes or less with a temperature of 105. There are definite moments I miss, but the bad heavily outweigh the good.

I spent some time taking a good look at the damage that has befallen my suit. I discovered a few new attributes to it as well. Sea urchins. Luckily I had not decided to wear this thing after all. I cleaned the inside as best as I could but the hermits were the hardest to deal with. Pardon my language, but those assholes don't give up for anything.

Except for my open can of beans. 

Enjoy it while you can, fellas.

Truth to be admit, I did get emotional. While this suit gives me the worst memories, it was basically all I had left. It kept me safe while running into the lines of danger. It kept me alive. It kept me from instant death from just about everything. Falling, strangulation, bullets, poisoning - it did its job. I am bitter only about the reason _why_ it kept me safe. 

To be thrown into a world where I'm not trained for, learning to adapt and survive against all odds when I shouldn't have to. Why…

Why didn't that test just _kill_ me?

I know he had something to do with it, it was all apart of his hidden agenda, but why? Why me? Why pick the only guy who doesn't have formal training in that kind of field? Why am I _still alive_? He took Alyx! Why am I still alive after that?! He was done with me! Yet I'm still here!

Why why **_WHY??!!_ **

It's useless. 

I can shout and beg, for some kind of answer but it will never come to me on some silver platter. This is a test. I should treat it like one. 

Research and development.

Semi-ending on a _bitter note_ ,

Gordon Freeman, PH.D.


	4. Entry #4

Dearest Player,

On accounts that my panic attack has finally subdued, I now realize that I’ve come far and wide. While I doubt my own existence, let alone the government man who whisked me away into this life of pain and suffering, I do believe I’m making a breakthrough. The strongest feeling befalls me.

Black Mesa.

When I was fighting tooth and limb in this suit before me, I entered sectors that I had no idea existed. I saw things I didn’t know were happening in silence. They brought Xen here, before I had brought myself to Xen. And even so, while on Xen, I wasn’t the first to arrive. Others, like me, were laid across that plane of existence while leaving their  _ own _ plane of existence. As I remember, they started being collected while collecting samples. 

What made the sample I pushed into the Anti-Mass Spectrometer any different?

Why can’t I remember much? It bothers me. Is it my primitive mind trying to protect itself? To refrain me from getting hurt? I knew the teleportation experiments were happening, but to where I did not know. What purpose did it serve? 

At this point, I could believe anything.

Gordon Freeman, Ph.D.


	5. Entry #5

Dearest Player,

It has been several days but the rains had finally let up near this region. I finally took a step outside, letting the Sun pelt myself the same way those Marines had previously before taking me to the nearest trash compactor. In efforts to cover up the accident, I become priority number one - mistakenly disguised as some kind of mastermind behind the whole thing.

In a way, a small percentage of that was true. Not the  _ mastermind behind it _ , but the reason it was caused. I pushed in a sample, into a machine that wasn’t ready and was 5 percent above nominal. A sample that I had no idea that was switched. An administrator who demanded the wrong thing. To begin with, I had not been on good terms with Dr. Breen. While he was my higher up, he was snobby and unreformed. Strict, but dedicated to work - impressively. Now that I think about it, quite suited for the job of being an ambassador to an oppressive alien race. Of course, he had his own higher-ups who were more than that.

Benefactors.

While I was undispensed during the 20 or so years of that developing city, I still have a lot to learn about how the Citadel came to be. What the 7-Hour War was like and what the other sanction cities were like. I knew what it meant to be caught and incarcerated for crimes as low as stepping too close to an officer. Complete reform, or a heavy beating to make me realize I’m as low as dirt and will forever be as low as dirt.

I took some time to reflect. As I opened the windows to air out this forsaked cabin, I laid in my cot to think about what might become of me in the future. If I even had a future. I still have many questions unanswered, and I doubt I could die peacefully with them still clouding my mind. 

I fell asleep. 

I hadn’t realized that doing absolutely nothing for long hours at a time could make me so exhausted. However, I do believe I’m making up for lost compensation of rest during the long, enduring months of fighting for my life. 

Originally I had thought of writing these letters as a form of slow lead-up to a suicide note, but I know that if anyone were to find these letters, they might so much as throw them back into the fire. Castaways, like me perhaps, or perhaps have no need to learn about what happened in the old world as they perhaps already known the information long before I did. They were apart of it, or witnessed it in the later years.

I imagine that these letters aren’t necessarily qualified for light reading.

It’s almost as if I was dropped here to recall events that happened and realize that I got played. Black Mesa was the start of it, and it all went downhill from there.

  
  
  


Black Mesa was the start of it.

_ Black Mesa was the  _ **_start_ ** _ of it. _

Why didn’t I see this before? All this time, words were evading me as much as my own minuscule thoughts. Black Mesa started the Resonance Cascade. The government man took Alyx Vance from Black Mesa. Breen was the administrator and then so forth led City 17 with an iron fist, puppeteered by those who came to Earth upon the realization of a rip in the universe, made possible  _ by _ Black Mesa.  _ I _ survived Black Mesa. Barney did, Eli did, Kleiner did, and so forth many others in our close circle.

We weren’t the only facility dabbling in tests that were considered experimental in the world… so why was it us instead of them? Black Mesa was prime real estate for his plans. And with any luck, I need to go back to the point of origin.

I am Black Mesa inbound.

With any luck,

Gordon Freeman, Ph.D.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> These are the end of the entries, thus the real fiction begins.


	6. Happenstance

It had certainly been a while.

Being back in society, seeing it flourish to some degree was all but surprising to the Freeman. There were more people than he realized but it was obvious that the Combine had dwindled their numbers quite in a mass amount. There were shops selling old paraphernalia from that world but it sat upon those shelves collecting layers of dust. Of course, no one wanted them - who wanted something that reminded them of the dark times? They had no use for them other than continued nightmares of what life was like years ago.

It even surprised the scientist that he was able to locate his old friend near the small town. At this point, he refused to remember what the names of these towns were, as their old history had died out once the war started. Security guard now turned music enthusiast, Gordon managed to locate his old friend by sheer happenstance of an article on the brick wall asking for anyone to come have guitar lessons. 

As he ascended the stairs of the rotten, rundown apartment, Gordon took one glance outside of a shotty window, hearing the thunder rumbling in the distance. A storm was to approach in the next hour, which caused most of the residents to scatter from their leisurely shopping and cleaning of the streets. As he reached his destination, Gordon took one good look at the ad article once again to make sure he was in the right building before approaching a door at the end of the hall.

He could hear some residents talking and the smell of cigarette smoke was all but inducing a small cough from the Freeman. Standing before the door labeled 207, which was nearly scratched out at this point, he then raised his fist to knock on the door before solemnly waiting for an answer. What was he to say? Would he even recognize him? Surely he would, Gordon hardly aged a day. However, he didn’t know what to expect of the other, either. What did he look like now that some years had passed?

Once the door opened, Gordon stared to the older man who stood there, holding open the door with only but a crack, before it was opened further to reveal the whole face of the once-security guard, Barney Calhoun.

“Holy  _ shit _ .”

“... Hi Barn.”

“You must be the Grim Reaper because you look like  _ death _ .”A small huff of air was released in amusement as Gordon gave a small smile, watching Barney open the door and move to embrace the other in a tight hug. The embrace was a lot more boney than Freeman remembered, and for Calhoun, it was still the same as when he left.

“Get the fuck in here, already.” Slapping the back of his head, Barney in pulled the other into his apartment before closing the door, as Gordon looked around the simple space. A couch, a chair, a broken TV set with the same four playing channels and static, and old books and other memorabilia. As the boards creaked under his weight, Freeman watched as Barney came to sit in the chair, resting his aching back. 

“I know I know, I got some grays. Don’t need to rub it in. Maybe you can tell me how the hell you keep so clean, buddy.” Barney rubbed at his own beard and hair, as his grays were coming in by the tenfold. He dropped a lot of weight, considerably now there wasn’t anything to fight for. The Freeman couldn’t help but stay silent as he sat across from him. It was true, he hadn’t looked like he aged a day - that’s because he hadn’t.

“Well… it’s a long story. Guess I have a bit of a salon artist to keep me updated.”

“Fucking hell, buddy. You got a business card or something? Very hard to chase after ladies when you’re lookin’ about 5 centimeters from death.” Barney chuckled dryly before staring at his old friend from across the way. The distance between them was hard to cope with. Rubbing his hands together, Freeman stared down at the floor, wondering what else they could talk about. 

“Ah, now that you’re here…” Barney then got up from the chair shakily before making his way over to the kitchen area. Watching him with his eyes, Gordon then blinked once the other came back with a beer in his hand.

“About that beer I owe ya.” Handing him the cold glass bottle, Freeman took it and looked it over.

“It’s been years since we’ve seen each other and all you got for me is light beer?”

“Fuck you, that’s why. You didn’t tell anyone that you were gonna leave for a while when the rest of us were picking up the pieces.” Barney spoke bitterly before closing his eyes as Gordon set down the bottle.

  
“It’s complicated, Barney.”

“Complicated how? You’re a scientist, fucking sock it to me. Layman’s terms, ain’t it?”

“It’s complicated because even  _ I _ don’t fucking know what happened to me, alright? I didn’t come here to argue with you.”

“So then why did you come here? You just wanna have a family reunion or something?”

“I wanna fucking know what happened to me!” Gordon then took the bottle and smashed it against the table, causing the pieces to spray out onto the floor and the table itself. Barney stayed quiet as the Freeman held the remaining neck of the bottle he broke, venting in heavily. Gordon shook ever so slightly - it wasn’t him to be mad at his old friend for something he couldn’t control. Alone let his fight or flight response immediately turn defensive like he had to at Black Mesa. 

“... I’m sorry.” The Freeman apologized, moving to set the glass in his hand down onto the table before slicking his hair back. It was definitely getting long, and would eventually need to deal with it. However now, he needed to deal with something else. Taking a deep breath, the scientist then glanced up to Barney.

“... There’s something I need to find out. And I can’t… I can’t exactly tell you about it. All I can tell you is that I need to get back to Black Mesa. I need a vehicle.”

“Gordon, Black Mesa is nothing but a crater,” Barney told him, using a towel nearby to clean up the spilled mess of beer that Gordon made. Much to his surprise, Freeman narrowed his eyes in confusion.

“What are you talking about?”

“Black Mesa got blown up. Nuked. Bombed - whatever. The military wasn’t doing any good of covering up the mess, so the Black Ops came and nuked it all to hell. Nothing but a radioactive wasteland now. You go there, you get cancer and die within the year.” Barney cleaned up the mess before tossing the cloth aside and sitting back in his chair, providing relief to his back once more.

“When did this happen?”

“I dunno. Probably when we got long and far out of the area. I escaped with a few scientists and well… saw the general direction of Black Mesa blow up after we got to Albuquerque.” Calhoun then opened his own bottle of beer to take a sip of before swallowing lightly.

  
“I’m telling you, nothing but a crater in the ground. I haven’t been back since, but I have no doubt there’s nothing there.”

“... I still need to go, Barney. Something… something is  _ not right _ and I have a feeling that Black Mesa has something to do with it. All I’m asking for is your help.” Gordon inhaled lightly and pleaded with his old friend, watching Barney then slowly get up from his chair and head into the room off to his right. After what seemed like an eternity, or what was the longest 2 minutes of his life, Calhoun had emerged from the room, holding up a pair of keys to his buddy.

“... Don’t worry about wreckin’ it… I’m too old to drive anyway. I can see you want to find out something and to be honest, I want you to, too. Something wasn’t right about that facility to begin with, and what led up to what happened. We both seen some fucked up things, and if anyone’s going to find out  _ why _ it’s gonna be you, buddy.” Barney gave the keys to him before eventually showing him another item. An item Freeman never thought he’d seen again in his lifetime.

“... Had a feeling you’d come back for this.” Taking the metal tool from his hands, Gordon looked over the dented, rusted metal of what was his crowbar. It was a surprise that this was kept onto for quite some time, but nonetheless he made the right choice to see Barney once again to retrieve it.

“While I don’t know what you’re heading into, and why it seems everyone ages except you… but I believe in you, buddy. See you when I see you.” Staring at the crowbar, Gordon then looked to hug his good friend tightly, as Barney patted his back. It was definitely good to see him again; relieving, actually. Knowing that he was still alive and kicking even after all of this time.

Heartful goodbyes were exchanged as Gordon readied himself for a long journey down to New Mexico. At least Barney’s car was in somewhat good condition for the travel, at least he so hoped. There was still the problem of possibly running into dead ends or blocked passages as he didn’t expect the Combine to do spring cleaning while sweeping the Earth for resources and places of established order.

And there was the effort of finding what direction he needed to go in. A map was likely needed, but he doubted it would be updated in the last decade or so. Heading back to his shore, Gordon loaded the car full of supplies of what he needed, including the H.E.V. suit. He didn’t know if it would work in its current condition but he’ll damn well try. As he looked around the cabin and took things that would be helpful, the Freeman was surprised to have found a book of maps of the old world. The states, the cities those states had… old but relevant.  
  


As he finished loading up the car, Gordon then shut the trunk and got into the driver’s seat, before pulling out of the area and using the map to find the roads that would help him towards the right directions. It was a point of figuring out where exactly he was on the map, as old faded signs only hinted to where he might be. 

He finally pinpointed his location - A place called Three Rocks, 56 miles outside of Salem. Breathing in, Gordon then mapped out his route, before starting up the car to begin driving.

“Most likely 2 days travel at least… if I don’t stop or someone stops me.” Gordon spoke quietly to himself before beginning his journey out on the road. It was hard to tell the time, as the clouds were starting to roll in to drop another rainstorm and the Sun was nowhere in sight. He had hoped that New Mexico was going to be a little more forgiving with the weather, and the roads weren’t swept away by flash floods that may occur. The least he could do was try.

The best route he could take were to cut down through California and make his way east, avoiding potential snow more towards the Rockies. That, and it would probably be more scenic. As the Freeman traveled along the way, and the rain finally began to drop, he wished for any sort of tunes to come out from the radio of Barney’s car. Yet, as he turned the dials, all that ever came out was simply static and old warning systems still playing out messages of when the world went to hell.

Deciding to turn off the radio and bask in the ambiance that was the interior of the car, Gordon began to reflect to himself. If something was indeed there at Black Mesa, what was he to do? What exactly would he find? Or would he find that Barney was right and he was simply grasping at straws? Even if he did find something, would the suit protect him against the radiation? 

As thoughts raced through his mind, Gordon drew his attention to other places, looking at the ruined buildings he passed by and the people digging through the trash on the sides of the road to find any salvation. They looked to him, dirtied and weathered, while he was the only one who looked relatively clean enough to pass for someone who wasn’t of this world. He felt judged, shamed perhaps. He was living better than them. He turned his eyes away from the people, feeling anxiety rise up in his throat. It was a wonder if maybe they would recognize him. 

However, it was made certain that at least most of the remaining population didn’t know who he was. To them, he was just a face - a clean face that was in the same world they were in, if not privileged with items that help him along for survival. Quietly licking the back of his incisors, Gordon shifted in the driver’s seat to give his bottom a bit more comfort. The seat wasn’t as cushioned as he liked, but he can’t win it all. 

Unfolding the map to see what he marked, Gordon read it over before looking back to the road, not wanting to wreck his only means of transportation. It was clear, he still had a long way to go, but at least he made some progress. He was happy for that, at least. Folding the map back up and setting it onto the passenger seat beside him, the Freeman began to think once more. 

It was the least he could do, as no one else was there to talk with him. Not Barney, nor Kleiner… not even the government official who spent his time brooding and observing the Freeman much through everything since the Resonance Cascade. Each time Gordon had glanced into the rearview mirror, he expected that face to be staring back at him. However, no face ever shone. He had other things to do now that Alyx was in the possession of his care. 

“God, Alyx…” Gordon whispered in a worried tone. What would the government man subject her to? What kind of dirty work or troubles would befall her? Most importantly, why did she go with him? It baffled him, shocked him to his very core. He had something to do with her, most probable. 

But what?

As the day turned to night, and the rain had let up finally for the Freeman now that he was out of the range for the storm, he took it upon himself to pull off to the side of the road to stretch his legs and look at the map once more. Grunting as his joints cracked from the relief, Gordon unfolded the map before looking around the area, hearing various crickets sound off into the night.

Turning on his flashlight, Gordon looked at the road he was on, trying to calculate how much further down he would have to go before making his way east. Probably as far down to what was known as Los Angeles before going east. At least there were no tolls as of yet, but he doubted he’d be stopped to pay. Silently looking over the map, the bearded scientist then paused as the night seemed utterly silent.

Looking up, Gordon listened to his surroundings before finding that the crickets who were once prospering, were too silent in the moment. Feeling a sense of unease wash over him, the Freeman slowly got back into the car and began driving down the road, occasionally looking into the rearview mirror, almost hoping that nothing was following him. He could have sworn he saw a shadow of a figure, but perhaps it was only his mind playing tricks on him. 

Back on the road, Gordon tried to keep himself awake during the long drive, snacking here and there to offer a bit of energy to his aching body from staying in one position for hours. The road seemed clear for the most part, with only a few, rusted vehicles dotting the sidelines.

He passed various signs, that hinted at his current location. However, with it being so dark out, and the moon not providing much light to the surrounding areas, he wouldn’t be able to take a gander at the map once more. He seemed to be passing a place once called Willows, but who knows if it was still current. Yawning to himself, Gordon wondered if he should pull over and rest, but there was still the risk of getting mugged or murdered if anyone saw the stuff he had. 

He didn’t know what people were like nowadays, so the fear was starting to settle in. Lightly slapping his face, Gordon tried to wake himself up, growling slightly as he gripped the steering wheel.

“Come on, Freeman. You pulled all-nighters before. What makes this any different?” Giving himself some pep talk, Gordon then blinked a few times to get rid of the heaviness in his eyes. But to no avail. He found himself dozing off before snapping back awake to realign his car on the road. 

“Fuck it…” Gordon then pulled off to the side, parking the vehicle before turning it off, trying to find some sense of ease of being alone. Reclining his seat, Gordon vented in as he stared at the moon, being able to see it from his position. Resting an arm over his abdomen, the Freeman couldn’t take it anymore and finally passed out.

As the early morning arrived, Gordon snapped awake upon the sound of rain hitting the car, venting as in his dream, he believed it was gunfire. Seeing as he was in no imminent danger, he simply stretched and yawned, taking off his glasses to rub at his eyes. Sitting upright in his seat, he tried to recall where he was looking to the map that was on the passenger side.

Picking it up and reading it over, Gordon then put his glasses back on to read the small print better. He remembered he passed by Willows, so it was safe to say he didn’t exactly go far from it before passing out. Setting the map back back, the Freeman simply looked to the outside world, watching the rain roll down the windshield and into oblivion. He wanted to get moving but his body had yet to start functioning all together after his rest. Deciding to spend some time getting cleaned up a bit, Gordon splashed some water on his face from a flask before wiping it away into his hair.

He probably didn’t smell all the greatest regarding his hair but he tries. Slicking it back some, Gordon then exchanged his wet shirt for a dry one, checking the scars along his body. Some were normal scars that he’s had for a while, perhaps since he was a kid, but the more recent ones still needed some healing. Nevertheless, the pinprick scars were the most he’s seen.

Due to being injured, the H.E.V. suit would pump him full of morphine to keep him alive.  
  


They looked like tiny flea bites almost, but faded. It was almost cool-looking; like tiny stars on the painted canvas of his body. However, the larger scars made him wonder how could he ever survive an injury like that. Bruises that have yet to go away. It seemed interesting, now that he studied and observed his body after so long.

Hearing something slam against the hood of his car, Gordon jumped and cursed, wondering just what it was. His heart was pumping now, as he quickly put on a dry shirt and start up his car, moving to use the windshield wipers to see what was lying on the hood.

Once the rain parted away from the windshield, Gordon blinked as he saw a dead crow lying there, most likely it died in the air. The Freeman then looked upwards toward the gray sky before glancing back to the deceased bird.

“Poor thing… but you surely aimed accurately to hit the car and nowhere else…” Gordon lightly inhaled before flinching as the crow twitched, and turned upright, shaking its feathers free of rain. 

“... Okaaay… This is weird… Am I still dreaming? Or is that thing alive?” Talking to himself, the bearded scientist watched the bird for the longest time before swallowing some. 

“... Are you going to take off or…?” Gordon watched the crow stare at him through the windshield. It was a surprise that this thing was still alive after falling from God knows what height. It was a bit scary, to be honest. Quietly swallowing, the Freeman then looked around the backseat of the car before reaching for a small towel. 

“Okay, let’s see if you’re hurt or if I can get you to scoot.” Gordon eventually got out of the car, squinting a little to prevent the rain from getting into his eyes. Moving to the hood of the car, the Freeman took the towel to try and coerce it to move. Seeing as it wasn’t budging, Gordon then covered the bird with the towel before picking it up and looking at it some. 

“You don’t look injured… but maybe you’re just in shock. So what do I do with you? There’s no trees or anything and if there’s a predator nearby, I can’t put you on the ground.” Gordon vented in as he was clueless on what to do with this crow. Venting in, Gordon put the bird back down.

“This is stupid, okay, let’s see if I can find a box.” Moving to the trunk of the car, Gordon dug into the contents within, wondering what he could do to help this poor bird. It was raining so perhaps it fell out of the sky due to it. Hearing a call, the Freeman paused and looked up, seeing the crow perched on the trunk door, staring at him.

“... That’s new. This is weird. So are you injured or not?” 

Another caw.

“... Did you just answer me?” Gordon narrowed his eyes some at the bird, who proceeded to ruffle its feathers free of rain, not responding. 

“Okay, listen bird, I’m getting drenched out here and if you can fly, fly. But I have to get going and I honestly don't know what to do with you.” Gordon slowly closed the trunk of the car before moving to get into the driver’s seat to spare his clothes getting further soaked. Venting in as he was cold, Gordon took another towel from the backseat to dry his hair and glasses with. Hearing little pitter-patters of feet, Gordon looked as the crow returned to the hood of his car to sit upon.

“...Really? Okay, this is getting  _ really _ weird.” The bearded scientist vented in before pausing as the rain was finally letting up a little. 

“There. Rain is letting up. Go. Fly.” Gordon let the windshield wipers part the rain droplets again, as eventually the bird took off from the car. Sighing in relief, the Freeman simply strapped himself in and began to drive to make up for lost time from dealing with that bird. It was all very strange, the way it looked at him.

Almost like it knew who he was.

As the Freeman continued down the road, and the rain was no longer in sight - only blue skies - Gordon rolled down the windows to feel the wind on his face. It was meditating, in a sense, passing by the farmlands. He’s taken road trips before, but he’d see other cars on the road beside him, going to some unknown destination. Now, he was the only one, and the cars that used to be on the road were rusted and scrapped for parts.

Taking hold of the map, Gordon unfolded it to see what he might be passing through, as he could see a city up ahead from his current location. The signs along the highway were all but rusted and worn out, but he could only make out 3 letters. Sac. Glancing to the road then momentarily at the map, he tried to find a city nearby with those same letters.

Finding the city, Gordon then folded the map and put it back down, venting in as he was halfway through California at this point. He was making good progress and wondered if he’d make it to Los Angeles before nightfall. Of course, he left in the early morning hours but he didn’t know what could await him on these roads. He must have spent 10 hours on the road alone, and that’s not counting the sleep he got.   
  


As he drove, Gordon decided to try the radio once again, to see if he could get something on it other than static, now that he was approaching a city. Switching between channels with nothing but static on them, the Freeman then paused once he managed to get some tunes playing.

“Holy shit. Finally.” Gordon grinned some as he finally had some music to listen to, even if it wasn’t his desired material to listen to. Oh well, he couldn’t complain, but it was honestly a surprise that these songs weren’t entirely dead. Most likely these songs were the only thing playing for the last two decades or so. Listening to the music, Gordon smiled some as he recalled certain memories involved with these songs. Hearing them in college parties or he would hear them on the radio while going somewhere. 

Back then, he didn’t think much of it, however now… it was nostalgic. Of course, he couldn’t go wrong with the old classics. Queen, Aerosmith, and of course some smaller bands that Barney introduced him to. It was hard to think now that the world ever went to shit, and that these gems wouldn’t be preserved. If only he had recorded them, or kept the tapes of these bands and music artists and relive the moments that made him happy.

Nevertheless, he would settle for this right now, reliving those sweet memories even if the radio didn’t properly broadcast it. It was the best he was going to get and he shouldn’t complain. At least he was getting it.

Slicking his hair back, Gordon inhaled lightly as he entered the city, looking at the destruction that came from the 7-Hour War, as well as the entirety of Combine rule. Now all that was left were remnants. Quietly singing along to the music, the Freeman watched as he passed through the city, still heading south. 

Day turned into night, and Gordon had just hit the Los Angeles region, or rather a place called Bakersfield, to which he was now heading east towards Arizona. Los Angeles was closed off, most likely due to how it ruined it was, so the Freeman had to turn off just before.

It wasn’t until the sputtering of his car reminded Gordon that he had forgotten the key thing that would keep him going, via this transportation.

Gasoline.


	7. Persistence

“Shit…” Gordon vented in as the fuel tank was letting him know that he was close to empty. Where was he to find gasoline? Would any cars nearby have any left? Or had they been completely run dry? He doubted gas stations would be in service still. However, the problem still stood. Turning off the radio as it returned to plan static, Gordon pulled off to the side of the road as the car was ready to give up at this point.

“How far am I…?” Unfolding the map, Gordon glanced to it with a flashlight to see, venting in as he tried to pinpoint where he was. Studying the map intensely, the Freeman then got out of the car to see if he could locate any sign, shining the flashlight down the road in front of him, as well as behind. Practically he was on this stretch of road alone. Should he try and walk to find gas or completely ditch the car?

The suit was heavy, and like hell he was lugging all those supplies. It’ll take him days on foot. While he could have done that before, now it just seemed his body was giving up on being young. Hearing a call of a crow, Gordon watched as the same bird from before was perched on top of the car, staring back at him.

“Jesus… Did you follow me all the way here? Or are you different?” Gordon spoke up as the sound of crickets chirping was way louder than before. The crow didn’t respond, only staring at him with beady, black eyes. Quietly sighing, the Freeman rubbed the back of his head.

“Are you here to mock me, then?”

A caw.

“ _ Hey _ .” The Freeman narrowed his eyes before sighing and shaking his head. He should have expected it, being upstaged by a crow. After all, he was the one that forgot the one essential item for a car to necessarily move. Quietly venting, Gordon panned the flashlight down the road before humming as he spotted a sign a good 40 feet from where he was. Moving to see what it said, he then read the faded out words.

“Kramer Junction… am I still in California?” The bearded scientist put the flashlight in his mouth and opened up the map once again, trying to find the place labeled Kramer Junction. He didn’t necessarily see it on the map, but it seemed to be a particularly small town. Perhaps he could go there and see if he could find some gas.  
  


Going back to the car, Gordon opened up the passenger side to retrieve a few items that would keep him relatively safe or at least  _ feel _ secure. The map of course, his flashlight, and a bottle of water. Spotting his crowbar, the Freeman was about to leave it before picking it up and shutting the door. You never know.

“You stay here and guard my suit,” Gordon told the bird before using the flashlight to light his way down the road. It took a good amount of time, as judged by the aching in his feet however, he could see the small town called Kramer Station. To his surprise, some of the shops were open. As well as a functioning gas station - more or less. Making his way to the gas station and walking inside, the Freeman paused as the men inside stared to him like he was Jesus.

“... Uh… I need gas.” 

“You got that gas money?”

“... Money?” Gordon felt his pants pockets before freezing in place as the men got up from their seats. Watching them as they approached, Gordon settled a hand on his crowbar that he hid on his backside. As the larger man towered over him, he then blew smoke in his face.

“You’re pretty good-looking. Maybe we can make a deal.”

“Woah, I don’t roll that way.”

“Roll what way?”

“I don’t do… oh for fuck’s sake, wouldn’t be the first time I had to do a favor I didn’t want to.” Gordon sighed to himself before reaching for the man’s belt, in which the man backed up and narrowed his eyes at him.

“What the hell are you doing?”

“... Fellatio?”

“No, you idiot. We want your clothes. We’ll give you a can if you give us that shirt.” Gordon then went red in the face before coughing to clear his throat. Well, that was embarrassing. The Freeman then took off his shirt to give to the taller man, watching him take it.

“Ian, get the can.” 

“Uh, better make that two cans. It’ll be a while.” Gordon stated.  
  


“Then give us the pants too.” Gordon paused before sighing and unzipping his pants and pulling them down, giving it to the man before covering his shame with his crowbar.

“Nice doing business with you.”

“Yeah. Sure.” Gordon lightly inhaled as he tried to keep to himself, waiting for the cans of gas to be given. Looking around the gas station, the Freeman then looked as the man glanced at his boxers.

“...Duck boxers?”

“ **IT WAS ALL I HAD** !” Gordon yelled, venting in as the man simply hummed and went back to his seat.

“And they’re _RUBBER DUCKS_ , thank you.” Gordon quirked his eyebrows a bit before taking the cans of gas before leaving the station. Grumbling to himself, the Freeman then made the trek back to the car in the dead of night, hoping that no one could see much more of his elaborate duck boxers.

Apologies,  _ rubber duck _ boxers.

Finally making it back to his car, the bearded scientist looked as the crow was still there, possibly staying true to keeping watch over Gordon’s things. However, it stared at him once he came near. He was less clothed than before.

“Don’t. Say. Anything.” Gordon set down one can of gas before moving to open the gas cap and pour it in. The crow simply shook its feathers free of being ruffled, or rather to shiver out the embarrassment it had for the Freeman. Once the tank was filled, Gordon moved to put on some different clothes that he had, to spare himself from the cold. He then took a gander to the crow perched on top of his vehicle.

“I’m going now. So go fly or something. Away from here. Because you’re creeping me out by following me.” Gordon stated before getting into the driver’s side and starting up the engine.

“ _ Duck boxers _ , pft. Rubber ducks, thank you.” Gordon mumbled as he strapped himself in, sighing as he got back on the road before pausing as the crow perched itself on the rolled-down window.

“Okay, what do you want? I don’t have seeds or something for you to eat. Or whatever crows eat. This is why I’m not an ornithologist. I don’t know what you eat. I only deal in scientific breakthroughs involving quantum mechanics and the usual rock.” Gordon watched the crow as it kept itself perched.  
  


“Okay, you know what? Fine. If you fall off the car, that’s on you. You can fly anyway, and I don’t suspect you’re dumb to not catch yourself before you do. But I need to go.” Gordon then began driving, feeling awkward that a crow kept itself perched on the door, not caring that the excessive wind threatened to knock it down.  _ Well, whatever _ \- Gordon thought.

As the hours passed, and so did many small, ruined towns - the bearded scientist found himself getting sleepy. Right, he only got what seemed like a few hours of sleep. Green eyes narrowed as it was tough to keep them open. The long, straight roads were giving him tunnel vision, and the quietness of the ride was almost meditating. Before he could make the decision to stop and pull over - he simply fell asleep.

The crow on the open window lightly shook its feathers again as Gordon was now unconscious while driving. Lightly flaring its wings, it then took off out the car window. As Gordon’s car started to drift, a pale hand soon took hold of the steering wheel to keep it aligned with the road. 

On the passenger side, was the government man.

Glancing to the tiresome scientist, the G-man simply hummed before looking back to the road he navigated. He knew that Freeman was on his way to Black Mesa. He had been watching him for a while, ever since he left that shore. Slowly gazing to his right, the pale man rolled down the window to let the crow perch on his side of the door. Watching the bird, he then glanced back to the road as he was simply driving towards where Freeman wanted to go.

With hours passed, and the feel of the road getting bumpy, the Freeman snapped awake and gripped onto the steering wheel before slamming on the brakes. Panting hard as he came to a rough stop, Gordon took off his glasses and covered his face.

“Fuck…” The Freeman looked up from his hands, gazing around at the road ahead of him before looking as the crow was perched on the passenger seat, seemingly asleep despite the rough stop.

“I fell asleep… I fell asleep while driving. And I didn’t die. _Holy_ shit.” Venting in, Gordon then pulled the car off to the side before parking and turning it off, moving to grab for the map. Where was he now? Surely he couldn’t have driven straight the entire time. Perhaps he took an exit when drifting, he didn’t know for sure.

“Any signs…?” Gordon looked down the road then behind him again, sighing as he couldn’t spot anything.

“Shit, you fucked up, Freeman.” Gordon sighed and put his glasses back on before getting out of the car.  
  


There was desert all around him, so it was most likely he was in either part of Arizona or maybe Las Vegas. Could he have made an upwards turn? Desert was unfamiliarly familiar. Softly venting and looking around, Gordon lightly hit himself on the head as he had no clue. It was midday, as the hot, desert Sun was beating down on him once he left the car. As he gazed around, the Freeman sighed as he was getting a headache.

“Fuck, I must be dehydrated… I didn’t eat yesterday. Okay, top priority is to eat then find out where the hell am I.” Going to the trunk of the car, the bearded scientist took hold of a flask of water, downing it some before coming up for air. Looking for something to eat, Gordon sat in the trunk to prevent the Sun from burning him to a crisp as he opened up a can of what appeared to be ravioli. Better than nothing.

Feeling the warm desert breeze blow across the land and ruffle his hair, Gordon took in the sights as he ate his small meal. Cacti, Yucca plants, tumbleweeds, plateaus and mesas all around him. It was safe to say he was directly in the middle of nowhere. 

“I wonder how long I’ve slept.” Mumbling as he ate, Gordon then set down his can before reaching for the flask of water, seeing the bones of animals to the side of the road. They were bleached white, due to the sunshine. Taking a quick drink to wash down the food, the bearded scientist then got out of the trunk of his car to gaze around. Heat mirages on the road ahead of him made it hard to see how far the road actually goes.

“I should drive down this road and search for a sign.” Gordon vented in as he finished the rest of his meal before closing the trunk of his car, moving to get into the driver’s seat. He cursed at the heat, as he was already sweating. Sighing quietly, he then started up his car, thankful that it wasn’t going to overheat in a time like this.

Driving down the road, the Freeman tried to spot a sign up ahead before blinking in surprise as he saw a whole city that he was approaching. Passing a sign, Gordon then read it.

“Albuquerque… _holy_ **shit**! I’m in Albuquerque! I’m in New Mexico! Holy fuck, is this a dream? Am I actually here? What the fuck?!” Gordon yelled as he drove, causing the crow in the passenger seat to caw, almost to get him to be quiet.

“Okay wait wait wait wait, I was at Kramer Station…” Picking up the map, Gordon then unfolded it and glanced to where he was, venting in. 

“I slept through  **Arizona** ?!  _ Ay _ ,  _ estoy en Nuevo México. ¿Qué me pasó? _ ” Gordon vented in as he spoke in Spanish, finding it hard to contain himself as he was so close to Black Mesa at this point. Tossing the map aside, the bearded scientist then tried to figure out which direction he had to go.  
  


“Oh I’m so close, I got to be! Okay, think Freeman, it’s been a while since you’ve been here. Surely you remember the roads…” As he approached the city, Gordon then realized how ruined it was. It took a lot of the brunt of the Resonance Cascade, despite being far from the Research Facility. It was almost painful to see it in its current state. A lot of the old shops he used to occupy frequently for a bite to eat were rundown or completely gutted away.

The bars that Barney and him went to were hardly recognizable. Deciding to pull over and park his car, Gordon got out to walk the streets that he once walked before. It looked shot to hell and burned in the hottest fires. Lightly swallowing his emotions, the Freeman looked at the ruined casino where he won 800 dollars on a penny slot machine. He was afraid that he actually robbed the place as it seemed like so much money at the time. Smiling lightly, the bearded scientist then glanced at various homes and businesses that were practically abandoned and frozen in time. May 16th, 200-.

Venting in, Gordon covered his mouth with a hand to contain himself before crossing his arms. His eyes darted to the various, empty, ruined buildings around him before eventually looking to the cracked pavement.

“I’m sorry…” He had blamed himself for the Resonance Cascade. If he hadn’t done that damn test, then the place would be still vibrant as he remembered. Deciding to head back to his car, the Freeman vented in as his legs were aching at the distance he walked. Getting into the driver’s side, Gordon simply sat there for the longest time, before shakily gripping the steering wheel and hitting it with his fist.

Hearing a caw to his left, Gordon vented in as the crow was perched on his driver’s side window once more. Staring back at the bird, the Freeman then moved to touch its backside before pulling out a loose feather that was sticking up.

“So what now? I waltz straight up to Black Mesa, hoping there’s some kind of situation there? Or do I go back to my shore, and finish those lead-up suicide notes?” Gordon spoke quietly to the crow, watching it clean itself some with its beak before staring back at the Freeman. The bearded scientist simply vented and stared to the road ahead of him.

“What am I doing here…?” He whispered quietly, before starting up his car. Looking back to the road, Gordon then paused as he saw the government man standing in the middle of the street with an umbrella. It wasn’t raining, it was 105 degrees outside. How can he not be affected by the immense heat, wearing that suit?

Nonetheless, why was he there?

Blinking softly, the scientist then looked around as the mysterious being was gone from sight as if he were never there. Thinking to himself, Gordon then growled.  
  


“Fuck it.” Gordon then put his car into drive, as he followed the roads out of Albuquerque and headed towards that of Black Mesa. If he didn’t see anything there,  _ then _ he could go back to his shore. However, the thought and feeling of something being there was strong as all hell to him. He showed persistence, and that’s what he was going to do. Be persistent. To do research then figure out what he needed to do.

As he got back onto the highway, Gordon started to remember the familiar territory. While the desert remained unchanged, the roads didn’t. Roads were blocked off at every exit, causing Freeman to wonder what other possible roads he could take to get to Black Mesa. As he can recall, he did remember there being a hiking trail that has a lookout point to view Black Mesa, however… hiking was the least of his concerns. It was hot and he didn’t know if the trail had become overgrown. 

Hearing the crow on his door caw, Gordon then looked as he spotted a road that was unblocked, causing him to press the brakes. Should he? Would this take him up to Black Mesa? What more could he have to lose? Die in the desert once his car breaks down? Get eaten by some hungry coyote? Quietly thinking, Gordon then took the road. 

As the long hours passed, day turned into night, as the moon was full and bright to expose much of the land and surrounding area. And by god, the thousands of stars that decided to show up on this night. Like millions of candles being lit. He could swear he can see part of the Milky Way. Perfect night to take photos up on the surface sector but of course, those days are gone.

Willing his car up a hill, Gordon blinked as he was forced to stop upon the gate that was blocking him from going any further. And for good reason. Parking his car, the Freeman turned it off before stepping out, moving over to the metal fence that blocked him from falling into the crater below.

“Black Mesa… Barney was right.” Gordon vented in as he spotted nothing within that crater, until… the lights turned on. Gazing down at the center, was a building - a portable one that could be moved wherever. There were smaller sites around it, almost as if they were constructed to take samples from the sight. He could see that people were around, wearing hazmat suits, but not of his kind. The kind that CDC wears, in case there were contagious diseases. If there was radiation, how can something like that protect them?

Venting in, Gordon then moved back to his car to sit on the hood, to observe what they were doing. There were military vehicles, lab equipment and the like all around the site itself. What could they be working on in a place like this, in the dead of night? Certainly not construction. It wasn’t until a car pulled up to the sight, that caused the Freeman to blink in surprise upon who got out of it.  
  


“Son of a bitch…” Gordon watched as the pale, government man fixed his tie and approached a few hazmats before being led into that portable building. Lightly biting his lower lip, the bearded scientist then hopped off the hood of his car and moved to the trunk, opening it. Taking off his shirt and tossing it inside, Gordon took hold of his weathered H.E.V. suit. Feeling over the metal, he then put it down to unzip his pants and get undressed.

Venting in, the bearded scientist stepped into the suit to make sure it still fit, despite it smelling like the sea. Zipping himself up and venting in, Gordon waited to see if the suit would turn on and adjust.

“Come on, old girl…” The Freeman waited before gasping as the suit beeped to him being within, beginning the usual start-up speech to read off what was activated. He grinned and hugged himself, or rather tried to hug the suit on him as it adjusted to his body.

“Well, I’ll be damned.” Gordon let the suit finish adjusting and activating sensors before moving to grab for his crowbar. Taking the last swig of water from the flask, he then shut the door before pausing as he heard a voice.

“What do you think you’re doing here? This is private property.” Facing away from the security guard that approached him, Gordon lightly blinked. 

“You got a permit to be here?” The security guard looked him over with his flashlight before waiting for the other to turn around to him.

“Yeah, right here.” Gordon then turned and swung his crowbar at the other’s face, knocking him to the ground. Before the security guard could call in reinforcements, the Freeman straddled the other and brought his crowbar down to his face once more to prevent him from doing so. Venting in, Gordon then unstrapped the gun from his holster on the belt, looting him for ammunition and a set of keys. 

Hanging onto the keys, Gordon left the guard where he laid, moving across the gravel towards a gate that he spotted off to the side, opening it with the set of keys. He then closed and locked it up after he went to the other side, throwing the keys down the chasm so the other wouldn’t chase after him after he woke.

Carefully making his way down the cliffside, the Freeman made sure to keep himself hidden, in case the military decided to pan their searchlights towards his direction. While the majority of his suit was gray, there were orange parts that stuck out like a sore thumb. Either way, he’d rather avoid being caught early if it was inevitable. He needed to see where that bureaucratic bastard went, first.  
  


It took some time to get to ground level, and it was obvious that the place had some radioactive decay to it, made sure by the ticking of his Geiger counter. Quietly surveying the area, Gordon then ran forward towards a jeep to hide behind as some military personnel walked by with rifles strapped to their front. They were no marines, but perhaps just hired hands. Sneaking along the side of the vehicle, the bearded scientist made sure not to make much noise as he listened in on their conversations.

Something about digging through the rubble to find something.  _ To find what? _ Gordon thought to himself before he made it to the small, portable building, taking a peek inside before going in as he spotted no one. Where in the hell did he go? Gordon saw him walk right in here with a few others. He should be here, right?

Finding a few documents on the table, the scientist skimmed over them for a bit, finding them to be nothing but tax-related articles. Most likely a plain prop for those military grunts to think nothing of it. It wasn’t until Gordon spotted a filing cabinet near the door that piqued his interest. Setting his crowbar on top, the Freeman opened one of the drawers, looking at the various and alphabetized files within.

“Wait a minute…” The Freeman checked the labels, finding them to be names of the residents and scientists that worked at Black Mesa. Eli Vance, Azian Vance, Kleiner, Barney, Rosenberg, Walter, Simmons - even himself. Pulling his own file, Gordon opened it up to read the contents within. It contained his photo ID, his resumé too. Even his original thesis and observation at Innsbruck. His notes were in there, too, regarding the resonance of samples that they tested on. Opening doorways to other dimensions.

On his resumé page, attached alongside his photo ID, Gordon saw that he had two stamp marks, one in red and one blue. The blue one was labeled ‘ _ Hired _ ’ while the red was labeled ‘ _ Terminated. _ ’ Gordon narrowed his eyes - which one was it? Was he still considered hired, or was he terminated? Closing his file, the Freeman took out Eli’s file to see what was on it. It held his resume and photo ID as well, instead, on the page was only one red stamp of ‘ _ Terminated. _ ’

“Bastard… I know you killed him.” Gordon cursed to the bureaucratic man before looking into the files again. Azian’s file was there too but… where was Alyx’s? She was a resident, wasn’t she? Daughter to Eli and Azian, and they even had Azian’s file there. Why wasn’t their daughter’s established? Checking the other files, Gordon blinked as one fell out onto the floor from underneath, almost as if it was hidden there.

Picking up the file, the Freeman opened it, blinking as it was indeed the file of Alyx and that it seemed to have been recently updated. A blue stamp was on the first page - ‘ _ Hired _ .’ The bearded scientist thumbed through her file, narrowing his eyes as there was a packet of what was labeled ‘ _ Project A.V. _ ’  
  


“Project A.V…  _ Alyx Vance? _ ” Gordon narrowed his eyes as he tried to understand what this project entailed. Why was she involved with it? Before he could open the packet to see, the sound of a platform elevator in the corner caused him to jump and drop the file, scattering the contents along the floor. 

Seeing no one on the platform, the Freeman then slowly approached and stepped on it before grunting as the platform began to take him down several levels. Where in the hell was he going? He thought all of Black Mesa was destroyed. As he descended, the platform soon came at a stop to a door in front of him, to which Gordon got off the platform and entered. 

There was no one around at least, however, he had no clue where the government man could be - let alone how many actual levels of Black Mesa there was. If this was even still  _ considered _ Black Mesa. It looked familiar - the walls and general atmosphere - however perhaps it was just his mind trying to piece together familiar terrain with something unfamiliar. 

No, he knows Black Mesa. This was surely a sublevel. Depending on the upkeep, someone still used this base as a point of headquarters. Moving through the halls, Gordon then paused as he heard someone open a door and moved to hide behind a wall, peeking out to see who it was. 

“There you are…” The Freeman whispered to himself as the bureaucratic man stood there and straightened his tie before moving down the opposite end of the hall. Sneaking along the side of the corridor to follow, Gordon made sure to avoid any possible glances toward him as the pale man turned down the hall.

Where was he going? And where did he come from? Why was he here? What did the Project have to do with Alyx? Leaning out from the wall, Gordon watched as the bureaucratic man went to a stairway to descend down. Following after, the bearded scientist caught the door before it closed and went inside, letting it close behind him afterward. Good thing too, as the door had an automatic lock to it.

Moving down the stairs after the pale man, Gordon kept his crowbar close, wondering what this base held, being so far down from the surface. This was certainly Black Mesa, as there were old reference signs and maps of how to get to the Lambda Core. Were they trying to go back to Xen? Grab another crystal to cause another Resonance Cascade or something of that nature? Or even bring more of the Combine forces?

As the bureaucratic man stepped out into the hall and made his way to another door at the end, Gordon moved to open it, attempting to stop the pale man in his tracks before he could try anything. As he opened the door, Gordon vented in as he spotted no one.   
  
Nothing, except a fully established teleporter.


	8. Schrödinger's Cat

Gazing at the teleporter, Gordon had wondered just when exactly something like this was put down here, and who put it here. It looked similar to the one he’s seen at Black Mesa East and Nova Prospekt some years ago, however… something about it wasn’t right. It looked highly advanced, no doubt Combine technology had to be at play here. Was it Combine technology? The Freeman touched at the machine before following the wires to a console off to the side.

Glancing to the monitor, the bearded scientist looked at the data that was being read from the analytics. It was currently in use. Was the bureaucratic man using it? Do to what? Hearing a pulse noise behind him, the Freeman armed himself as he turned around before pausing at the portal that drifted in the center of the machine. Frozen in place, he couldn’t make a decision whether to follow the man or spare himself the details of where this portal went. 

Would the bureaucratic man even  _ need _ this teleport? Surely he’s been in unreachable places before, without so much as a complete notice of how he got there. Why would he need something like this? However, the scientific side of the Freeman was aching to find out. To enter that portal and scare the shit out of whoever was on the other side, most likely he wanted it to be the pale bastard himself. 

Swallowing lightly, Gordon approached the glowing orb of light and entered, feeling his mind distort and pull away from his body some, like he was on the world’s biggest roller coaster. It was too much for his body to handle, and the Freeman couldn’t help but to pass out from the strong feelings, and in the midst of his blackout - he could swear he heard Vortigaunts.

Slowly coming to, green eyes slowly darted around and gazed at the ceiling above him, as the Freeman laid clearly on his back. The sound of electricity and a burst pipe filled his ears, causing the scientist to slowly sit up and gaze to the environment around him. Spotting the total destruction, Gordon rose to his feet, venting in as there was blood on the walls, smeared, as well as bodies underneath crushed concrete.

This was surely Black Mesa, now. Possibly right after the Resonance Cascade.

But why was he here? What did this mean? Why was he at the place of origin? Was this the past, or was it still the present? Stopping his rampant thoughts at the sound of a baby’s wail, Gordon heard his heart thumping in his ears as he didn’t know what to make of it. Slowly stepping over the concrete and body underneath it, Freeman made his way down the all, squinting and flinching a bit as a light fixture sparked just inches from his face.

Keeping his crowbar close, Gordon approached a door, to which his heart dropped at the sign on the wall.  _ Vance _ . Quietly swallowing, the bearded scientist then slowly gripped onto the door handle, pushing it open to reveal a small hallway of sorts. Living quarters… this was Vance’s residence.

Slowly stepping inside, trying hard to keep his emotions contained as the sound of the baby’s wail got louder the more he approached inside, the Freeman glanced to a place in the living room before quickly turning his face away.

“Oh god, Azian… Oh  _ god _ …” He had hoped he wouldn’t see another friend die before his very eyes, but now to see the wife of his good friend… in a pool of her own blood was unnerving. Hearing the baby’s wail fill his ears again, Gordon turned to that of what he believed was their daughter’s room. Approaching the room, the Freeman took hold of the handle and pushed it open, finding the small toddler of Alyx Vance to be stuck inside her crib, gripping onto the bars in hopes of calling out for her mother.

“Alyx…” Moving quickly to the crib, Gordon picked up the small child, holding her close to try and calm her down. He needed to get her out of here, in hopes to avoid seeing the same thing happen to her of what it did to her mother. Quickly leaving the baby’s room, the bearded scientist vented in as he heard the ceiling collapse, straight into the baby’s crib. Calling out in surprise, he then left the residence, heading down the hall whilst trying to calm down Alyx.

Shielding her from any erupting fire or overhanging live wire, Gordon vented in as he wasn’t sure where to go. His mind was speeding with thoughts faster than he could keep up with, and with Alyx crying loudly wasn’t helping.

“Shhhh, Alyx, please… it’s okay. You’re going to be okay.” Gordon looked down at the child, rocking her a little before looking to a drop of red that came from the top of his head. Looking to the red dot on her shirt, the Freeman then looked to a glass window nearby, seeing how beat up he was.

Scraped and cut, like he was back in the Resonance Cascade on day one. Fighting tooth and nail against marines and aliens, who wanted nothing more than to kill him. Who blamed him for the accident. Quietly venting, Gordon quickly wiped the blood that leaked down his forehead before continuing on down the hall, not before pausing at the sight of the bureaucratic man standing in the middle of the hall.

“ **Doctor Freeman.** ”

Venting in, Gordon blinked as the man appeared before him, a gun slowly being pressed to his forehead as Alyx was slowly taken out of his arms; her crying ceasing once the pale man had done so.

“ **Trying to create a…** **_paradox_ ** **, I see. It has certainly been a long time, since we’ve last spoke - please don’t think I’m trying to** **_avoid_ ** **you. After all, I am the one who…** **_led_ ** **you here. You are quite the persistent one, I’ll give you that.** ” The pale man then smacked the butt end of the pistol against Gordon’s head, causing the scientist to stumble and fall to the ground. Panting shallowly, Gordon then choked out as the bureaucratic man held him down with his foot, almost intentionally crushing his throat.

“ **But, I am no longer in need of your…** **_services_ ** **. My eh-eh-eh-eh-employers see fit to keep you out of harm’s way, while we deal with some unexpected…** **_results_ ** **. I’m sure a scientist such as yourself would, hm…** **_understand._ ** ” The pale man kept the Freeman pinned under his foot with ease. 

“So that’s it?! Nngh! - Why lead me here then? You could have just as easily steered me in the wrong direction! Why did you take Alyx? Why leave me behind?!” Gordon choked out, holding onto the pale man’s Oxford shoes that kept him from getting up, and kept his voice from reaching its full potential. 

“ **I assure you she is in perfect care, Doctor Freeman. As for you - I let you give in to the illusion of finding out the purpose in all of this. And the answer is… it’s a simple test that’s gone** **_wrong_ ** **.** ”

“Bullshit!” Gordon called out before grunting as the bureaucratic man then kicked his face, throwing off the Freeman’s equilibrium, making him feel disoriented. Keeping him locked in place with his foot again, the pale man then glanced down to the child in his arm as he kept his other aiming a gun down at the scientist.

“ **Don’t make this harder than it needs to be, Mr. Freeman. I wish I could express the same concerns in a deliberate chat of sorts, but unfortunately, I am…** **_out of time_ ** **.** ” The pale man then kicked the scientist in the head yet again before eventually putting the gun away, knowing that Freeman would be incapacitated enough to avoid going after him again. Carrying the child down the hall, the mysterious being left Gordon in the hall, as he tried to reach for him to stop him but with no luck.  Venting in as the world around him spun and circled, Gordon eventually couldn’t take it and closed his eyes, letting unconsciousness take over as the world around him faded its sound and environment. 

With the sound of an EKG machine filling his ears, the Freeman’s world soon came into view as he slowly opened his green eyes. Catching sight of a sink, that was dripping excess from the faucet, the Freeman then glanced to the monitor above him, venting in as it read his vitals, steadily rising the rate of his heartbeat.  
  


As the sound of typing filled his ears as well, Gordon slowly turned his head towards that of a woman, wearing scrubs. She gazed at him before giving a soft smile, halting her typing on the computer to his right.

“Hey, you’re awake. That’s good news. How do you feel?”

“...” Gordon slowly glanced around the room upon the realization that he was in a hospital. A clean hospital, one he might expect to be in if he had an accident or had an illness that required care. Venting in, the man looked back to the woman who slid the keyboard back under the table the monitor stood on. 

“What happened to me…?” Speaking hoarsely as his throat still hurt, the woman hummed lightly as she moved to check the saline pouch.

“Well, witnesses say you just collapsed in the street. Paramedics suspected you were inebriated but when they tested you, there wasn’t one lick of alcohol in you.” The nurse told him as she made a note to refill the saline bag as it was getting low.

“So we expect you were just dehydrated and sleep-deprived. Sit up for me.” Gordon then slowly did as she said, as she made his bed up to a sitting position before having him sit back.

“The street... ?” Gordon tried to think back before the realization hit him. No, that wasn’t true. He was at Black Mesa. That pale bastard dropped him far away again. Rubbing his face, the bearded scientist then touched his chest before realizing he was in a hospital gown. 

“I didn’t collapse on the street, I was knocked out. By a government guy who stole a child that I was trying to save.” The Freeman vented in and shifted on the bed, looking as he spotted his glasses on the tray table, moving to wear them.

“Sir, you were found on West Barry Street having a seizure of some kind. Now please excuse me while I tell the doctor that you’re awake.” The nurse told him before moving to leave the room. Watching her close the door behind her, the Freeman looked around the room in thought.

“West Barry Street of what..?” Gordon said before looking as the door opened again, revealing a man that smiled to him. 

“Hello there! I’m Dr. Coulton, you are my patient. Glad to see you’re awake. Now, can I have your name and date of birth for record?”  
  


“Where am I?”

“St. Patrick Memorial Hospital.”

“Where? What state am I in?”

“Chicago, Illinois. Do you take any medications for your seizures, sir? Sometimes mixing meds can have adverse effects if you don’t correctly induce the right dosage. Look to my left here.” Shining a light in his eye, the doctor had checked the dilation to which Gordon vented in when he was done.

“I don’t take any medications.”

“You don’t? Well, sometimes seizures are able to be suppressed by med--”

“Listen to me! I didn’t have any damn seizure! I was knocked unconscious and dropped thousands of miles away from where I need to be. Now if anybody can tell me where the hell my H.E.V. suit is, that’ll be fantastic.” Getting crabby, Gordon crossed his arms as the doctor moved to the monitor.

“Sir, do you have a history of mental illnesses or perhaps a family member?”

“Are you kidding me? Oh god, why do I expect  _ anyone _ to listen to me…” Rubbing his nasal ridge, Gordon then looked up as he spotted clothes on the tabletop across from his hospital bed.

“What are those?”

“These were the clothes you were wearing when the paramedics picked you up. Where do you work, sir? Surely you’re missing work and it’ll be wise to have a doctor’s note to give to them. Guaranteed if you are indeed alright and are fit to be discharged.” Gordon stared at the doctor as he took the clothes to show him, as the color had left Freeman’s face.

It was a navy blue suit with a purple tie. The same suit that the government man wears.

Touching his head as he received a splitting headache, Gordon grunted lightly as the doctor put down the clothes before moving back to the monitor. Mumbling on how this was wrong, Gordon gazed back to the clothes before venting in and looking to the doctor.

“What date is it?”

“It’s May 12th, 200-” Not hearing the year, Gordon covered his mouth as he felt like he was going to be sick. 4 days before the Resonance Cascade.  
  


“How did I go back in time? I shouldn’t even be here… What the  _ fuck _ did he do to me?” Gordon whispered to himself as Dr. Coulton was explaining something he couldn’t hear. He was speaking, but to the Freeman, he couldn’t hear anything that was coming out of his mouth. With ringing in his ears, the Freeman then watched as the doctor left the room, seemingly to order some tests for him to take via blood samples.

Getting out of the hospital bed, with some stumble as it felt like he’d been sleeping for a while, Gordon approached the clothes on the table, lifting the suit blazer and tie. Narrowing his green eyes, the Freeman vented in before taking the pulse reader off of his finger and wires out of his arms, covering them with a cotton ball and some tape.

“Alright, you bastard. Let’s do things your way.”

Untying the hospital gown from his body and going naked, Gordon began to put on the suit, buttoning up the shirt before zipping up his pants. Going to the mirror, the Freeman fastened his tie before putting on the Oxfords as it was the only pair of shoes that he had. Gazing to himself in the mirror, the bearded scientist vented in as he was dressed uncomfortably similar to the cryptic bureaucrat. Who was he kidding? It was a spitting image.

Looking at the time, Gordon then took hold of his suit blazer before opening the door of his room and peeking out into the hall. Shifting his glasses some, the Freeman then left down the hall, hoping to avoid looking directly at the nurses he passed by. Searching for the exit, the bearded scientist spotted an elevator and went to it, pressing the button to call it. Looking down the hall, Gordon made eye-contact with a security guard before glancing back to the door of the elevator. Glancing again, the Freeman vented as he started to approach him, to which the scientist turned around and moved to the stairway to leave.

Going down the stairs in a constrictive suit wasn’t easy but it could be done. However, he was on the 4th floor and trying to avoid security was making him sweat immensely. Passing the 2nd-floor door, Gordon paused as a guard looked to him, radioing in that he found him, to which the Freeman then broke into a run down the stairs, putting on his blazer.

“Hey! Freeze!” The security guard called after him, following him down the same stairway. Hopping the railing, Gordon jumped down to the 1st floor, running down the hall of the hospital, avoiding the possibility of running into patients or staff walking the corridors as he did. Looping around to the Emergency Drop-off, Gordon panted as he looked around on where to go. Spotting a car that had an open door, the Freeman looked around before approaching quickly to get inside, closing the door and taking off.

“Hey, hey!” Speeding off before a guy could attempt to take it back, Gordon left the parking lot, rolling down the window to wave to the guy as an apology.  
  


Rolling up the window, Gordon vented in as he took off down the street, looking around the lively business area and shops that he passed by. A total different change than what he saw of what was approximately utter ruin. Empty, barren - that was now lively. Trying to control his breathing, the Freeman avoiding being caught in red lights as he knew the police would be on him soon.

“Where do I go? Take a plane? No, they’ll grab me before I get on board. No money for a bus. Got a car, but only minimal gas. Won’t get me far… 4 days…” Speaking to himself, the Freeman then forced himself to stop as the traffic went by in front of him. He had to be careful. Killing himself could possibly cause a paradox in itself. He should be at Black Mesa, right now. Would his alternate self be there, or was he the alternate one? Lightly touching his head, Gordon then looked in the rearview mirror as he saw a cop car coming from down the street.

“Shit…” Gordon inhaled before moving to turn down the street, enduring some honking horns and upset drivers from the other side. With the cops on his tail, the Freeman wondered what to do. He didn’t know the streets of Chicago as well as Albuquerque’s. Trying to avoid the cops, the bearded scientist wondered if he was screwed. Get caught by the police, convicted and sent to prison, then what happens? What happens to the Resonance Cascade? Does the whole world blow up in some cosmic fireball due to the paradox he created?

“Why didn’t I pay close attention to the  _ Back to the Future _ Trilogies?!” Gordon yelled at himself, venting in as he followed the flow of the traffic, trying to shake the cops that were going after him. As he sped out of the downtown area, the Freeman wished he had his old map back. Would have been easier to navigate.

Glancing to the various signs, Gordon eventually got onto the freeway at the last second, to get some distance from the police cruisers. Heading Southwest was all he cared about, but it wasn’t going to be easy with the police tailing him. Not with this damn red car he was driving. It was easy to spot. Looking in the rearview mirror, the Freeman tried to think of what to do, looking out to the road in front of him.

He could try and trick them. Find some bridge and ditch the car off of it. Venting in, the Freeman then slammed on the brakes, turning the car around so he was going the opposite way of the police. Avoiding to hit any of them, Gordon got some distance from them, avoiding the cars that were driving directly towards him. At this point, the police were baffled by his skills, having a tough time figuring out how to catch him as they didn’t want to risk hitting anyone.

Leaving the police in the dust, Gordon had a new obstacle - avoiding the cars that were coming at him as he drove the opposite way. Soon he made another turn to go down an exit before getting on the other side of the freeway, heading back towards Chicago.  
  


Trying to calm his nerves, Gordon entered the city before following the highway towards the outskirts, following the signs to the state of Indiana. Once he was away from civilization, Gordon pulled over to the side of the road, popping the trunk to grab for the spare tire within. Rolling it to the driver’s side, the Freeman put it inside to step on the gas pedal before releasing the parking brake. 

Staying behind, Gordon watched as the car wobbled all over the road before eventually crashing into the barrier, sending it over the edge into a river below. Hearing it crash and start to fill up with water, the Freeman vented in as he began to walk down the road, sticking out his thumb in hopes to be picked up by someone who’s heading towards the direction of Kansas or Colorado.

Venting in as he was burning up and sweating from the event, Gordon then sat by the side of the road to give his aching legs some rest, as he waited for the sun to go down. No water, no food, no means of transportation. And he was a wanted criminal. He doubted anyone would pick up a hitchhiker like him.

As the night came upon him, Gordon lightly slicked back his hair as he began walking again, still sticking out his thumb in case anyone who drove by on the deserted road would pick him up. Hell, he’ll even take 5 clowns in a clown mobile if it meant saving him the walk.

As a couple of cars passed him, Gordon sighed heavily as they didn’t stop for anybody, only honking at him to get off the road. Lightly straightening his tie, the Freeman then paused as a car pulled in front of him and stopped. Lightly swallowing, the bearded scientist approached the passenger side window, gazing to the person within.

“Where ya headed to?”

“Uh… New Mexico. I need to go to New Mexico. You heading that way?”

“I’m going to Utah but I can make a stop in Colorado and let ya off before..”

“That’s… that’s perfect.”

“Climb on in, sweetheart, door’s unlocked.” Gordon vented in relief as he opened the door, moving to sit in the passenger seat and strap himself in as the stranger began to drive. Lightly straightening himself, he then glanced at the person in the driver’s seat.

“... Thank you. I didn’t think anyone would actually stop.”

“No problem, sweetheart. To be honest I thought I wasn’t neither.”  
  


“Yeah, I could imagine why. I mean… you never know who you’re picking up. Aren’t you afraid of that?”

“No, I ain’t afraid of no silly hitchhikers.”

“Oh, really? Why’s that?” Gordon blinked as the woman turned on the light before lifting her shirt, revealing the thick revolver that was tucked into her pants. Staring at the gun, Gordon thought for sure that if she whipped that thing out, his head would be blown to pieces.

“... Oh.” Gordon managed to get out before looking to the road they were driving on.

“You ain’t gonna try anythin’ with me, are ya son?”

“No no no no no! Absolutely not! I’m really thankful you picked me up. Really.” The Freeman tried to deescalate the situation, to which the woman simply laughed and shook her head.

“I’m just messin’ with you, sweetheart. I knew when I saw ya, you didn’t look that threatening. I mean for God’s sake, ya got a business suit on. If anythin’, ya might try and sell me some of that insurance.”

“Oh, believe me, I do  _ not _ want to wear this, but it was the only thing I had left.” Touching his suit blazer, Gordon then loosened his tie some to spare his throat and anxiety that was rising up from it.

“Oh? What happened? Ya lose your business or somethin’?” 

“Well… it’s a long story.”

“And this will be a long car ride to Colorado, sweetie. I got all the time in the world to hear your stories. Ya know, they got some homeless shelters that give out clothes to people in need down in Kansas? We can get you something more comfortable.”

“Uh… thank you. That’s very kind of you.” 

“It’s no problem. See a need, fill a need.” The woman smiled and turned off the light, continuing her drive down the dimly lit road. Gordon undid his tie and unbuttoned the collar of his shirt to be a bit more comfortable before sitting back in his chair. The woman then reached over to offer her hand to shake.

“Name’s Larissa.”  
  


“Gordon. Gordon Freeman.” The bearded scientist then moved to shake her hand, nodding to her as they exchanged names before sitting back against their seats once more.

“Gordon Freeman… cute name for a cute face.”

“Oh, ha, thank you.” The Freeman smiled some in bashfulness as he was complimented, looking outside his passenger side window. At least he wasn’t the one driving this time. He might fall asleep and crash it. He didn’t know how the hell he did it trying to get to Black Mesa, but it happened. He had a feeling that the government man had something to do with it.

“So what’s a man like you doing in a place like this if you’re tryin’ to get to New Mexico? It’s pretty far away.” Larissa asked, trying to make conversation with the stranger she picked up. 

“Oh, I uh… I work in New Mexico in a research facility. I’m a scientist.”

“Science? What kind’a science? Chemistry? Ya study stars or somethin’?”

“Oh, no. I’m a theoretical physicist. I study uh… what do I study?”

“Well, it must be somethin’ borin’ if ya can’t remember.” Larissa joked to him, as Gordon was trying to figure out how to word what he did. Would be it a consequence to tell her the truth? Or would she not get it? 

“Well, I deal in quantum mechanics in experimental conditions. I take samples of different crystals and the like to study their resonance. That data gets transferred back to our machines and it gives us the readback of any potential disruptions that might be classified as other realms or dimensions. It’s… I know it sounds like something out of a space movie but… it’s real work, and I love it.” Gordon tried to explain in the most logical way.

“Ya got a Ph.D.?”

“Yes, I do. Though sometimes the scientists I work with don’t think I’m qualified to wave it around. I think it’s because they spent years studying for it while it took me less than that.” 

“How old are ya?”

“I’m… I’m 27.”

“27?! And ya got a Ph.D.?”  
  


“Yeah.” Gordon lightly chuckled at her shock. It was a shock to anyone who knew. He can be pretty intelligent on good days, but now all he had was bad days. And it seemed like it was only going to be bad days, where he makes dumb decisions.

“I never heard of no 27-year-olds getting a Ph.D. when it’s usually the 40 or 50-year-old’s gettin’ them. Ya must have the IQ of a bazillion.” 

“Believe me, sometimes that IQ drops on some days.”

“Oh of course! You’re human, you’re gonna have days where ya can’t even get outta bed, let alone do your rock test.” Larissa lightly patted his arm.

“Be gentle with yourself. If ya think you made a big mistake, there’s always a big way you can correct them. Even if it takes years, ya still can get them fixed.” Listening to her words, Gordon looked down at his hands. Maybe he was being hard on himself. He recalled the letters he wrote while back at the shore. He blamed himself a lot.

“So where are ya from?”

“Seattle. Born and raised. You?”

“I’m from Tulsa, Oklahoma but I moved to Wichita, Kansas when I was an itty bitty thing.”

“Oh… so why are you going to Utah, then?”

“Me and my second husband gotta farm up there, taken care of some horses that his daddy passed on to him since his daddy lived in Utah. I just came down from Vermont for a friend’s weddin’.” 

“Wow.. that’s quite far… you drove all the way there?”

“I hate airplanes. Got that aerophobia or whatever. Can’t stand the thought of being trapped in a seat for 6 or 7 hours 20,000 feet from death. Not for little old me, thank you.” Gordon hummed as Larissa talked about her driving to Vermont. Gordon always took a plane, he didn’t mind. The science behind flying intrigued him, so supposedly it’s why he didn’t mind being in airplanes.

“So whatcha doin’ all the way in Illinois if you’re not from around here at all?”

“... I was in New Mexico before but… I was knocked out then… found myself in the middle of Chicago. I have no money… so I can’t fly by plane. I can’t rent a car with no ID so… pretty much I was screwed.” Gordon vented in. It was the truth. He was indeed knocked out by the bureaucratic bastard.   
  


“Oh, ya dabblin’ in bad business?”

“... I guess you could say that.” Gordon looked out the window.

“So you’re goin’ back to get revenge?”

“... To stop something bad from happening. And hopefully save some good friends from a lifetime of pain.” Fading his words, the Freeman simply stared to the outside world, watching as they passed by trees and other signs of the small towns they were passing by. Soon enough, Gordon found himself to enter sleep, as the car ride was relatively smooth for him to do so.


	9. Enclosed Calamity

Softly stretching, Gordon opened his eyes when he realized that the car was no longer in motion. Looking around, the Freeman hummed as they were parked beside a gas station. It was still rather dark out, so he didn’t exactly know how long he had been asleep. To him, it felt like hours, but it could have only been 30 minutes. Lightly flinching as his window was knocked on, he then gazed to the woman who was supposed to be his driver and rolled down the window.

“You're awake. Want anythin’ hun? You look like you’re hungry.”

“Uh… coffee’s fine, if they have any.” Gordon asked as Larissa moved back inside the store, leaving Gordon to roll back up the window as the cold wind left him to shiver. Looks like a rainstorm was in the area, as the streets were wet, aside from the sheltered area they were parked underneath. 

Taking off his glasses, the Freeman looked inside the car some as he still tried to get himself to wake up. Rubbing at his face, he then looked as his door opened and Larissa handed him a cup of hot coffee and a small bag with a pastry inside.

“Here ya go. It’s hot. I had them make it fresh.”

“Oh, thank you.” Taking the cup of coffee and the bag, Gordon then quietly took a sip, venting in relief as it warmed up his hands. As Larissa got into the car, she too had her own cup of coffee to warm up with.

“Where are we?”

“A little place called Kingdom City. In Missouri. We’re two hours away from Kansas City. Had to stop for gas since Betsy wouldn’t stop screamin’ at me.”

“Betsy?”

“My car. That’s what I call her. She likes to tease every now and then, pretendin’ to break down then don’t. Anyway, the damn gas light went off so I had to pull in to this little station and gas her up. Luckily too, she was about ready to stop, drop and roll.” Larissa giggled before taking a sip of her coffee, to which Gordon did the same, taking in the caffeine to keep himself awake.

“I really appreciate you taking me along, Larissa. Really.”

“It’s fine, sugar. I’m glad to help.” 

“If you’d like, I can take over with driving for a bit if you need some rest.”

“Oh no no, that’s not necessary. Betsy don’t like anyone else touchin’ her but me. Besides, ya looked tired so I thought I’d let you sleep. Also, here, I got ya something. It’s not much but it’s all they had.” Larissa then reached into the backseat, handing Gordon a shirt with the tag still on it. 

“It looked like it’d fit ya, so I bought it.”

“Oh, thank you.” Gordon looked it over. It was a simple shirt, but it sure beats wearing the constrictive tie and dress shirt. Including that damn suit blazer. Undoing his tie, the Freeman began to strip off his shirt by unbuttoning it, exposing his chest and arms, to which Larissa touched the scars.

“My word, what happened to ya? You look like ya got bit by a thousand fire ants and had a battle with ninjas!”

“Oh, this is just part of what happened when I get a little too close to uncomfort during work.” Gordon lightly vented in as Larissa touched the scars that were closed, but hardly healed completely. The bearded scientist then remembered - he didn’t have his H.E.V. suit anymore. The pale man must have taken it off of him again once he dumped him in the middle of Chicago.

“Goodness. I’ll see if they have some ointment for them. Neosporin or somethin’.” Larissa then set down her coffee as she moved to head back into the gas station. To Gordon, she really didn’t need to do that. After all, he was just a stranger. And, he was used to it. After fighting for so long, he’s learned to accept that whatever battle he was in was guaranteed to leave his body riddled with some type of scar.

Putting on the shirt that she had bought for him, Gordon hummed as it fit loose than he liked but he wasn’t going to complain. Certainly more breathable than the other top he was wearing. Lightly sitting back and picking up his cup of coffee, Gordon glanced to the rearview mirror, almost feeling the coffee come back up as some police officers pulled into the gas station, parking just a few feet away from where he was.

“Fuck…” The Freeman cursed as he then set down the coffee cup and reclined his chair, hoping that the men who got out of the cruiser wouldn’t see him. As Larissa came out of the station, she halted as she was approached by them, talking. Looking out the window some, Gordon tried to read Larissa’s body language as to what they might be talking about.  
  


However, the subtle glance towards himself from Larissa rang his alarm bells. They  _ were _ talking about him. Trying to keep his head down, he watched as the older woman shook her head and watched the officers head inside the store to perhaps get food of their own, while Larissa came back to the car. 

Putting his seat back up, Gordon watched as she returned the hose and nozzle to the correct place before climbing into the car, starting it up. The bearded scientist couldn’t find anything to say, as he strapped in slowly as she got back onto the road. He couldn’t even find it within himself to pick up the cup of coffee that was starting to go cold from not being drunk.

After what seemed like hours of driving in silence, Gordon swallowed as Larissa pulled over to the side of the road, turning off the engine to save her gas. Sitting there, the Freeman started to vent in some. 

“... It seems like you  _ were _ dabblin’ in some bad business.”

“... Please, don’t kick me out, I beg of you.”

“I won’t unless you tell me why exactly ya did those things. Ya could have hurt a lot of people for your decisions.” Larissa looked to him as Gordon stared to the dashboard of her car, trying to find the right words to say.

“It’s complicated…”

“Well, you’re a scientist. I’m sure ya can explain it in a way that I can understand.” The older woman turned on the light to see Gordon completely. Feeling his heart thump in his chest, the bearded scientist inhaled deeply before releasing the air from his lungs in hopes to calm himself down.

“... I’m not supposed to be here.”

“What do ya mean?”

“... Here. At this time, in this place… I’m supposed to be in New Mexico right now, preparing for a big test that will change the world forever. Change the world for bad. People will die, Larissa. All because of this damn test that I caused. It’s May 13th, which means I have exactly three days to get there and stop the test from happening. Before it kills everyone. This test, Larissa… is going to bring about the apocalypse. Aliens, zombies, the shit you see in fiction movies! It’s going to be  _ real _ !” Gordon vented in as his anxiety finally popped open the bottle that stayed tightly closed for years.  
  


“But I’m not even supposed to be here! I’m in New Mexico right now - the other me! Alternate me! He’s getting the knowledge right now that this test is going to happen on a specific date and that he’s going to be the one to push that damn crystal in! Biggest day of his life! Because in those 24-48 hours, he’s going to  **FIGHT FOR HIS LIFE** against those who want to kill him! Military! Aliens! Zombies!” Gordon vented in as he felt his throat start to ache as he tried to keep his feelings suppressed.

“And all because a damn, cryptic bureaucratic man - who wears this  _ damn suit _ ! - wants to observe me and make me do dirty grunt work to fight against a galactic empire 20 years into the future!” Picking up the suit blazer and tie, Gordon shook it as he angrily expressed his feelings toward the government man.

“And you know - you know what’s  _ funny _ ?! I actually said yes. I said  _ yes _ to being under his employment! Because he offered me a choice I couldn’t refuse! To work for him or die! Simple as that! An  _ anti-climax _ to what I have just survived in that hell hole Black Mesa! And you know what?! No matter what I do or how I feel it just seems to make things WORSE! Me showing up in that damn city, City 17, I sparked a revolution! A rebellion! All because I refused to fall in line!  _ That _ got my coworker killed! My friend’s father; her LAST living parent was killed because of me! Because I refused to make the right choice!” Gordon growled and threw the clothes on the floor of the car.

“The damn Borealis, Aperture Science, all that  _ shit! _ \- was for nothing! No one can beat the Combine! We were going to die no matter what! But that damn bureaucratic, cryptic asshole shoved me aside to die while saving my friend from that damn fate! The only reason I still live is because of the Vortigaunts! And to be honest… I-I-I wish they hadn’t! I was placed on that shore, I wrote my letters with the intention of ending my life, because what was the purpose?! Everything I had left of the old world had either withered away or died! So what was the point?! _ What was the point _ ?! What was the  _ damn _ point…?! What was my purpose…? No matter who I tell it to, no one believes me...” As tears escaped his eyes, Gordon lowered his head into his hands, shakily grabbing the strands of his hair as anxiety swept him into vast waves in a vast ocean.

Quietly watching the bearded scientist cry, Larissa inhaled lightly as she tried to take in the information. She never heard something like this before, however, it almost felt… strangely believable. As Gordon kept his face in his hands, he then looked to Larissa as he felt her hand on his backside.

“... I believe ya.”

“... What?”

“I believe ya. To be honest, I didn’t at first but… when I heard ya talk about it, it was almost like…” Larissa paused, thinking to herself.  
  


“There’s truth to it. Like somethin’ is going to happen. You know… while ya were asleep, I usually listen to the radio and… usually, they talk about crimes and the like but today… they didn’t. There was no crime in the world. Not even on the TVs showing World News in the gas station did they talk about anythin’ gone wrong. It’s almost like… the calm before the storm. Ya know when the tide goes out just before a tsunami? That’s what it feels like to me.” Larissa furrowed her brow as she looked out the window, watching the rain roll down the windshield as she was parked.

“I don’t know who ya really are, mister. But I believe ya. For some strange reason, I take to ya, I really do. Somethin’ told me to pick you up and by gosh I haven’t felt a strong feelin’ since then. I think I should come with ya to New Mexico.”

“No no no no, Larissa… when this test happens, if it does happen and I can’t avoid it, you need to get the hell out of Dodge. Because when it happens, it happens fast. You need to be with your husband, you need to be with him when this world goes to hell.”

“Are ya sure, Gordon?”

“Yes. Just drop me off in Denver and I’ll find some other ride to New Mexico. But you… you keep going straight to Utah. Don’t stop for nothing.” Gordon lightly adjusted his glasses as he finally calmed down to a certain degree. Larissa eventually gave in and started her car back up again, moving to head down the road, turning off the light that she had on. 

Leaning back in his seat, Gordon vented in and closed his eyes as he didn’t exactly have a clue what he was going to do by preventing the test from happening. Could he even prevent the test? Or would the bureaucratic man take desperate measures to keep him from doing so? Either way, he was going to need all the rest he could get.

Waking up to the feel of the car coming to a stop, Gordon glanced around as it was daytime, and very sunny. However, what he saw in the distance made him realize where he was. 

“Welcome to Denver, Gordon.” Gazing to the mountains, Gordon then looked to Larissa as she scooped her hair back out of her face as she was tired.

“... Did you drive all this time?”

“No, I stopped in Topeka for some sleep but ya wouldn’t budge for a hotel room so… I let ya sleep in the car. Had to give Betsy a break too.” Patting the steering wheel, Larissa then smiled tiredly. 

“Ya needed the rest too. After what ya told me yesterday, ya were out cold.” Moving to open a bottle of water, Larissa took a drink before watching Gordon rub his eyes.  
  


“I guess I sort of had a Resonance Cascade of my own.” The Freeman tiredly took off his glasses, rubbing the markings free that were on the bridge of his nose. He must have smashed his face against the window at some point, or Larissa hit a pothole, as he noticed they were deep and reddened.

“Come on, I’ll treat ya to breakfast before ya go on your way.” Larissa took off her seatbelt as the Freeman had done the same, moving to follow her into a small diner to have a meal. A final meal before the final destination. As they were seated in a booth, Gordon tried to keep focus on his menu, but found himself to stare at a child two seats down from where he sat. The same child stared at him, ever since he walked in, almost mesmerized that someone like him was even here. 

Gordon watched the child before eventually inhaling and sticking out his tongue at the kid, watching as her lips curled into a smile and a giggle came out before she too had done the same. Smiling some, Freeman then returned his eyes back to the menu before eventually looking up to Larissa who had already decided what she wanted. She then glanced at Gordon before tilting her head some.

“What?”

“... I really want to thank you. For taking care of me all during this trip. I can’t remember the last time someone had actually done that. While it’s been years… decades since I’ve last seen my parents - you remind me of my mother. She was… ecstatic when I told her I got my Ph.D. I haven’t felt that sort of care in a long time.” Gordon shook his head and set down his menu as he talked with her. 

“... Something is going on with your life that threatens your future. If anyone with a sense of compassion would feel obligated to help. Even if they can’t help much, just offering a hand to pull you up from that cliff can mean a lot. Now while I don’t entirely get what is meant to happen tomorrow, I know at least it’s important to you. The end-all to the end-all. It could either work in your favor, or it can’t. What you have to understand is that it’s okay to forgive yourself if you couldn’t succeed. We live our lives trying to be perfect in someone’s eyes. But perfection is a lie. No one can have it.” Larissa lightly patted his hand.

“Forgive yourself, Gordon. Forgive yourself now and understand you did the best that you could.” Watching the older woman before him, he lightly bit the inside of his lip, trying to prevent himself from crying again in the diner. Looking back to the menu, he then caught a stray tear from rolling down his cheek with the back of his hand.

“I don’t know what to order.”

“I recommend the breakfast burrito, hun.” Larissa smiled and offered him a napkin.  
  


Taking the napkin, Gordon nodded and wiped his hand before closing the menu as he was ready to order as well. As the waiter came around and took their order, the Freeman looked up at the television, blinking as it flickered here and there with static. There weren't any storms in the area, so it gave him the stance that something was bound to happen in the coming time frame. Almost reminding him of what he was supposed to be enduring tomorrow morning. 

Folding his hands together, Gordon then closed his eyes, placing himself within that test chamber, the day it went awry. Seeing the Vortigaunts tunnel in before teleporting away, and him being whisked away to their world. Seeing Xen for what it was, a simple world that had its own ecosystem, own food chain and reason to live. They were treading on their territory, as they had trodden on their own. 

_Unnecessarily_.

It wasn’t until they were introduced to a new enemy. One that had seen them from far off to God knows what corner of the universe, if it even _was_ their universe. Interdimensional beings, they soon became top of the food chain.

“ **We are their slaves.** ”

“What?” Larissa looked up to the Freeman before he shook his head and blinked a few times. Why did he say that? It unconsciously came out. Venting in, Gordon took a napkin from the dispenser and a crayon from the tray to his left, before writing down what happened and what he went through.

Watching the scientist, Larissa looked as the waiter came with their coffee, waving him off when he gave her a confused look upon what the Freeman was doing, as he kept taking napkins to write on. 

“Gordon… Gordon, people are startin’ to look.”

“One moment,” Gordon told her as he continued to take napkins, setting them out onto the floor as he didn’t have any more space on the table. As the customers looked to what he was doing, some even taking pictures with their camera phones. Setting out the napkins, Gordon vented as he ran out before moving to take the dispenser from the table behind him, getting a few complaints from the customers who were eating there.

“Gordon, what in heaven's name are ya doing?” Larissa tried to get through to him, blinking as he didn’t respond to her, continuing to write all along the napkins. Instead of words, he then began to write equations.

“He havin’ a meltdown or something?” One of the customers asked.  
  


Gordon ignored them, venting in as his crayon was broken and moved to hurry to the little girl’s table, the one who was staring at him before, grabbing some of her crayons before going back to writing on the napkins, strategically placing them on the floor. Before he knew it, he covered the entire aisle and surrounding tables and counters before eventually taking a step back as he was finished. Looking at the work, Larissa then blinked as she climbed up on top of a table, looking at the napkins from above.

“Oh my god…”

Looking up to her, Gordon then moved to get onto the same table, looking at what he wrote out before he saw the bigger picture. And it was indeed a picture. A mosaic of some kind. 

“... _Alyx_.” Gordon vented in as the napkins made out the image of Alyx Vance, leaving Larissa to cover her mouth in amazement. The Freeman lightly vented in before looking to the older woman and shaking his head.

“I have to go to Black Mesa. I’m sorry, Larissa.” Looking to the Freeman, she watched as he hopped off the table and left the diner, to which she tried to hurry and catch up to him.

“Gordon! Gordon!” Larissa left the diner and pulled his arm.

“Get in the car, I’ll drive you!”

“No Larissa. Go to Utah. Go to Utah and be with your husband. You need to be there. Just like I need to be at Black Mesa. I can’t waste any more time. Time I don’t even _have_.” Venting in, Larissa then led him to the passenger side, opening the door to grab for his suit blazer, shirt and tie. 

“... You raise whatever hell you need to, Gordon. I’ll be rooting for you.”

“... Time to give this back to the motherfucker who dropped me here with it.” Gordon told her, putting back on the articles of clothing and giving back the shirt she had bought for him. Fixing his tie, he vented in before moving to run down the street, leaving Larissa behind. Moving to the driver’s side, she reached in to honk the horn, causing him to look back at her. Waving to him, Larissa vented as he waved back before going back to running down the road. 

“Good luck, Freeman.” Larissa settled a hand on her car door before eventually moving to go back into the diner to deal with the mess that was left behind. After 15 minutes of running alongside the road, Gordon caught sight of a few men who were talking around an old truck. Approaching them, the Freeman lightly vented in as he looked out of place; sweating and wearing a suit.  
  


“¿Habla Inglés?”

“No.” The men replied before speaking to each other upon who this man was in Spanish. Gordon vented in before trying his hand at it. It had been a while, but he knew some words.

“Sur. Nuevo Mexico.”

“¿Quieres ir a Santa Fe? Ahí es a donde vamos.”

“Sante Fe, sí sí sí, esta bien.” Gordon nodded, watching them look to each other before shrugging and talking to one another. He could tell they were discussing if they should let him on. Soon, one of the men then thumbed towards the truck.

“Ok, vámonos.” 

“Oh, gracias.” Gordon nodded and moved to hop up into the bed of the truck along with a few others as they cheered happily that they were going on a trip. The Freeman hoped they would get there easily and wouldn’t be stopped. Resting his feet from the jog, the bearded scientist watched as they sped out of the area, before eventually getting on the road to Santa Fe.

Slowly, the cold weather slipped away as they left Denver, as Freeman tried to think of what to do once he got to Santa Fe. He doubted anyone would drive him straight up to Black Mesa, as it was pretty much a guarded base and he hardly had identification on him. Who was he kidding - he had nothing on him. Nothing but the damn navy-colored suit the bureaucratic bastard left him with.

He would have to hike there, and that alone would perhaps take all day and perhaps all night. He had no supplies, no water, except for the bottle he was given by the men who allowed him to hitch a ride. It was getting unbearably hot now, as the trunk they were in had a tarp cover to protect them from the elements. Taking off his suit blazer, Gordon tried to relieve himself of the heat, yet to no avail. 

He was going to sweat whether he liked it or not.

As the ride was filled with Selena Quintanilla music and singing men, Gordon was the only one who kept quiet, watching the road to the scenery change. The Rockies were no longer in view, and instead they passed by cacti and mesas. The Freeman tried to think about what direction they were facing and which direction Black Mesa was in. 

“¡Oye! ¡Danza!” Nudging the Freeman, the men watched as he shook his head, almost embarrassed. He was a scientist, he wasn’t much of a dancer. Yet, the others had encouraged him, to which Gordon stood and began to shake his hips.   
  


“¡Aye!” The men erupted in cheers before they too began to copy the dance, to what was called the washing machine. Eventually, a rough bump on the road caused the Freeman to fall flat on his butt, leaving the men to laugh the cheer once more. Gordon sat back in his seat and chuckled some, watching the men go back to their dancing and singing before eventually returning his eyes to the road.

As the hours passed, and they had passed the state line into New Mexico, Gordon eventually decided to get off early, thanking the men who took him along for the ride. Hopping off the truck, he waved once they honked at him, before looking around the deserted place that was dry and full of dust. Looking around, the bearded scientist lightly straightened his tie before picking the direction he needed to go in and began to make the trek.

While his feet were screaming at him to take a rest, Gordon knew he couldn’t waste more time. He had walked and ran far before, yet that was with the H.E.V. suit on. He had to adapt to this change, and that was what he was determined to do. Walking past cacti and old skeleton heads of animals, the Freeman used the suit blazer to shield himself from the Sun, so he wouldn’t fall into heat exhaustion fast. 

He had a bit of water, but it wouldn’t last him forever.


	10. Transcendence

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I recommend listening to the Black Mesa Xen soundtracks as I did when I wrote this to inscribe the mood.

The trek transpired well into the night, yet Gordon knew he was getting closer. He could feel it. That odd, tingling sense like he was having an out-of-body experience yet could feel himself getting pulled into the direction he needed to be. Lightly panting, Gordon removed the suit blazer from his head as the sun was finally down, and the night crept forth. A full moon, along with millions of stars filled the night sky, providing what little light he needed to continue on with his trek. 

He didn’t worry about any hungry animals, even though he should have. Coyotes called into the night, and every so often, he felt that those calls were getting closer. He had nothing to fend them off with if they decided to finally go after him. Lightly swallowing a bit of saliva, Gordon vented in at the mesa in front of him, spotting a few radio antennas sticking out from the top.

He was so close, yet he knew he still had ways to go. It wouldn’t make sense climbing up the cliff face without any gear to amount for his safety during so. Luckily, there was a road that led up to it, so he would need to spiral his way to the top. His legs were obviously tired, as they shook when he stepped over large rocks that semi-blocked his path. He had to keep going, as in the morning, his alternate self was to start that damn test that ruins everything. 

If he stops it, if he  _ could _ stop it, that would save everyone from entering a world of pain, and potentially save Alyx from… whatever it was that the government man wanted from her. He still had no clue upon why Alyx was the supposed “ _chosen one_ ” after all that Gordon had been through. Deep down, maybe he did want to feel needed, and being tossed aside wasn’t helping his case either. Hearing a caw from a bird, Gordon paused and looked up as a crow landed onto a rock in front of him.

“You again…” The Freeman then vented in and continued on his trek, trying to ignore the ache in his joints and feet from the long walk. 

“You can watch all you want, but it won’t change anything. I’m getting to that damn facility whether you like it or not.” Gordon moved past the crow, watching it take off into the sky away after another caw, and headed towards that of the facility. Probably off to tell its master that the bearded scientist wasn’t dead yet and was coming. 

Moving to the cliff face of the mesa, the Freeman paused momentarily to catch his breath, staring up at the large structure. Finding the paved road leading up, he was thankful that the asphalt was smooth enough for him to walk on. While it was uphill, he preferred it over the constantly rocky terrain.  
  


It had to be well into the AM’s at this point, as the heaviness in Freeman’s eyelids made him feel like collapsing and getting rest. He didn’t eat anything, and the rigorous hike he endured wasn’t doing any good to his insides. He found himself vomiting up what he had in his stomach, which wasn’t much but bile. Taking a few sips of what he had left of water, Gordon carried on, ignoring the bitter taste in his mouth and the aching in his stomach.

He was fueled by anger at this point, wanting to march up to Black Mesa’s entrance and burst through with minimal effort. He had to stop himself. Stop himself from making the biggest mistake of his life. Slapping himself, Gordon blinked a few times to keep his mind awake as he walked the paved road, trying to pep talk himself to keep going. He couldn’t stop thinking of his friends, and the people he’s come to care about.

Alyx, Eli, Isaac, Barney, Mossman, Griggs, Sheckley, the Vorts… even his family. The way his mother would welcome him home after a long school year for the holidays, or his father helping him build experimental weapons like the potato cannon when he was younger. Yet there was something else. A certain…  _ will _ , from someone. He felt like he had the power of a thousand hands, who pushed him forward as if he was the heaviest car or box. 

The night slowly subdued, and the day began anew. Time no longer seemed at a stand-still, as this morning was going to be the choice of life or death. As the Freeman reached the top, he panted heavily as his body finally forced him to stop. He gazed at the sign by the fence.

_**Black Mesa Research Facility.** _

He finally had made it, but the mission wasn’t over yet. He needed to get inside and try to find himself. His alternate self. Walking forward, the Freeman then grunted as he was smashed against an invisible wall, preventing him from approaching the security gate. 

“What the hell…?” Touching along the surface of what was blocking him, his fingers produced small swirls into the material that caused a ripple effect. 

“No… No, goddamn it! You son of a bitch!” Gordon banged on the invisible wall before pausing as he saw someone pulling up to the security gate before trying to flag them down.

“Hey!  _ HEY! _ ” Gordon yelled and waved his arms, venting as they looked in his general direction before looking away and driving into the lot once they were let through.

“... They can’t hear me. It’s like I don’t exist…” Gordon vented in before trying to feel along the invisible wall, eventually finding an opening. To his established knowledge, this was an invisible maze he would have to navigate. Slowly moving through in what looked like a drunken stupor from anyone’s perspective, the Freeman gave a heavy vent.  
  


“Son of a bitch is trying to keep me out…” Gordon cursed as he felt along the walls, avoiding to run face-first into them to save himself his own embarrassment and to save his face from getting anymore injured. Slowly approaching the security station, Gordon looked at the yellow toll gate that prevented him from going in, before eventually finding a way around it, looking to the security guard who was in front of him.

“Can you see me?” Gordon asked, to which he didn’t receive anything in response. Figures. The Freeman then continued on his way, navigating the invisible maze to promptly get inside the parking garage so he could take the elevator down to the level he needed to go - if that were even possible. Clipping his shoulder on the wall, Gordon grunted as he was going a little too fast, yet he knew he didn’t have much time. The sun was rising quickly, and he knew his alternate self would be awake and on his way to Sector C. 

Squeezing through the narrow, invisible passageways, the Freeman found himself to get into the elevator, sighing lightly. As he tried to push the button, his hand merely banged against the invisible barrier.

“Shit…” He tried to find an opening to press for the button, yet nothing allowed him to. He then backed up some as someone else entered the elevator fine, moving to see what floor he needed to go. Silently praying he’d pick the right floor, Gordon growled as he picked two floors above where he needed to be.

As the doors closed, Gordon tried to make sure the floor underneath him wasn’t also a maze but found he was perfectly fine for the most part. Lightly closing his eyes as the elevator went down, Gordon took a deep breath before clearing his throat, eventually putting the suit blazer on as the temperature wasn’t nearly as hot as outside. Good ol’ 68 degrees. 

Green eyes opened as he was finally on the floor to which the other scientist pressed, and moved to head out as well, forgetting momentarily that he was stuck in an invisible maze - and walked face-first into it. 

“Augh, shit.” Muffledly cursing, Gordon then moved his head away before trying to feel around for an opening, eventually finding one and trying to make his way to the stairwell. It wasn’t going to be easy, but he was going to damn well try to get to his level. Navigating his way to the door, the Freeman glanced at a clock nearby. He had about 2 hours before his alternate self would be on the tram to Sector C.

Getting to the stairway, Gordon sighed as the wall blocked him from going down the stairs easily. Looking over the railing, the Freeman wondered if he should just try to climb down to his floors. Trying to see if any walls blocked him, he felt around over the railing, before blinking as he didn’t feel any.  
  


Climbing over the railing carefully, the Freeman vented in as he began to climb down, using the rails as some sort of ladder to help. Perhaps distant holes in the floor didn’t allow the invisible maze to generate there. Climbing down two floors, Gordon eventually climbed back over trying to navigate his way back to the door. 

“Level 3. Almost there.” Feeling his way along the transparent walls, the Freeman entered inside the hallway, venting in as he spotted his alternate self down the other end of the corridor.

“Wait, what time is it?” Gordon tried to search for a clock, moving to follow after him as fast as he could. Quietly grunting, the Freeman kept bumping against the invisible walls. Glancing to the clock, he looked as the hands were spinning uncontrollably, almost as if his realm didn't exist. Would he be able to stop himself from doing the test? Even so, why were the clocks going crazy now? Was it because he was in close proximity of himself, when he wasn't supposed to? 

As no answer came to him, only a transparent wall did - leaving Gordon to navigate his way to follow the path his alternate self took. Once he was down the corridor, the bearded scientist saw himself just getting on the platform where the tram was to show up. Growling as the invisible walls were slowing his process, he watched as the tram showed up, and his other self got on.

"Wait!" Gordon huffed and tried to squeeze through the walls that seemed to get narrower and narrower on him. He called out again, to which his other self paused and moved to hold the door open. Pausing himself, the bearded scientist then shoved himself through the doorway, just before the door had automatically closed once he let go.

Alternate Gordon simply blinked in confusion upon what he did before moving back to the side, folding his hands behind his back. Panting lightly, the bearded scientist quietly looked at the back of the other's head, wondering if he actually heard him.

"...  **Hey.** "

Alternate Gordon blinked and looked around himself, staring at the nothingness behind him as the tram started to move on the rail, and the morning announcement started up of welcoming the guest to the Black Mesa Transit System. He then lightly moved to look forward again, keeping his hands folded behind his back.

" **You can hear me, can't you?** "

"Uhh… yes? Who's there? Is this some kind of prank?" Alternate Gordon then looked up to the ceiling of the tram car, wondering if someone installed a hidden speaker somewhere.  
  


" **No no, it's not a prank! Oh thank God, someone can hear me. No one has paid attention to me since I arrived. Alright, listen, there's something I need to tell you, and since we have this whole tram ride to talk, I need you to listen up and understand.** "

"Are you my conscience?"

" **Am I your consc- no! I'm** **_you_ ** **! This is your future self speaking to you,** **_my past self_ ** **. Now listen up, and listen well. Absolutely do** **_NOT_ ** **do the test today. Everything you know and learned about science is going to change if you do it. Because someone thinks it's time for unforeseen consequences. You're going to be a grunt, you're going to fight for years, and watch people you love and care for die before your very eyes.** "

"Wait, what?" 

" **Listen to me, goddamn it! Do not push the sample into the machine! Cancel the test, destroy the machine, pull some wires if you have to! Just fucking stop it from happening!** " Gordon vented in as he watched his alternate self take in the information, growing confused and seemingly unsure if this was indeed a prank or if someone was actually warning him. Perhaps he spent too much time underground.

" **... Listen, Gordon. I'm telling you this now because you aren't going to hear it for a very long time. It's okay to forgive yourself. You're not perfect and never will be because you're human. Perfection is a** **_lie_ ** **. Once you step into that test chamber, the choice will be all yours on whether or not you believe what happens after you do the test. But what you got to understand is that it's okay to not be strong. To fail, to make mistakes - all of that is fine. You have friends that care about you, strangers you haven't met yet - care about you. Enemies turn into potential friends. Friends sometimes turn into enemies but for reasons you'll come to understand, in hopeful terms.** " The Freeman watched as his alternate self slowly backed from the window, looking at the scientists he passed by on the tram.

" **... And for God's sake… do** **_not_ ** **trust the man in the blue suit. He's not man. He's not like you or me. He has other plans for you, and for your friends. Do not trust him. He's the one that's going to make this whole, vile experiment go wrong. I don't know why, but he has his motives. His higher-ups. Our mutual friend.** " Gordon vented as he remembered Eli's words before they were cut short. He never got to understand what he knew about the bureaucratic man, as his life was cut short. Almost too suspiciously.

The bearded scientist then looked to the tram next to them, to which he didn't see the pale, mysterious man there, unlike before.

He would usually watch him from places that were either unreachable or hardly accessible in the first place before he got there. Now, it was strange to see him no longer in the one place he first saw him at. Something was indeed wrong, and Gordon had a bad feeling. Lightly inhaling, the bearded scientist then looked to his alternate self.

" **... The right man in the wrong place, can make all the difference in the world.** " The Freeman watched as his alternate self took in the information, still unsure if he could trust the voice he was hearing. He couldn't see him, let alone know what he looked like. If he really was what he said, then maybe there was some truth to it. As the tram moved throughout the facility, the alternate then hummed.

"What happens if I don't do this test? Do you know what happens?"

" **Saves a lot of people from unnecessary deaths. Write our own timeline - I don't know. All I know is that if the test happens… we'll be thrown into a battle we have no chance of winning.** " Sitting in the seat, Gordon then looked as their tram came to a stop to the correct platform. Looking to his alternate self, the Freeman stood up to follow him out once the security guard came to open the door. As his alternate stepped out, Gordon was met with a face full of invisible wall, preventing him from going further.

" **Damn it, these damn walls! Listen, Gordon, abort the test! You hear me? Abort it!** " Gordon called out to the other as he tried to find an opening, hoping that he made at least some progress in getting the other to rethink. Finding an opening, the Freeman felt along the transparent walls to make it inside the laboratory, in hopes to get to the test chamber and watch the situation unfold. Would he take his words to heart or pass them off as preacher's talk? 

If he knew anything about himself, he would feel conflicted. To do the right thing or to do what he thinks is right. Navigating through the transparent maze, the Freeman was able to make his way to the control room, looking at himself in the test chamber, already suited and ready for work. Quietly inhaling, his alternate self watched as he started the machine's rotors, letting it warm up and get ready to read the sample.

Looking to the sample that came up to him, Gordon stared to it before thinking back to what the voice told him. 

"Alright Gordon, slot the carrier into the analysis port." One of the scientists spoke over the intercom as the Freeman took hold of the carrier, staring at the orange beam in front of him. Lightly shifting in place, Gordon began to push it in before pausing halfway. Within the control room, the scientists looked to each other as Gordon then moved away from the sample.

"Shut it down!"  
  


"Dr. Freeman--"

"-- I'm not doing the damn test, _shut it down_. Now." Moving to the chamber door, the scientists then shut down the machine, leaving the future Gordon to sigh in relief. This was going to be a new timeline, he was relieved. As Gordon came back up to the control room, Eli was the one to approach him first, asking him of what was the problem. Alternate Gordon simply shook his head and sighed.

"I'm sorry, Eli. I just couldn't. Something told me not to and I couldn't risk it." With a hand on his shoulder, Eli simply hugged him, almost thankful that he stopped the test too. It wasn't until the building rumbled, which caused them to look as the Anti-Mass Spectrometer started up again and wouldn't shut off.

Moving past the invisible wall to see out the window, the Freeman narrowed his eyes as the bureaucratic man watched the machine whir to life before grabbing hold of the sample to push it in. 

" **No! Bastard!** " Gordon moved to jump out of the window and tackle the man before he managed to get the sample in, grunting as he was whisked away with the mysterious man, as the world shifted, twisted and turned like water and paint going down the drain. Keeping a hold onto the pale man, Gordon then grunted as he was thrown off, rolling along the ground. Lightly venting, the Freeman glanced to his hands as he slowly rose to his knees, looking as he was dressed in his H.E.V. suit.

With air rushing all along his face and body, the Freeman looked up to the swirling light in the sky, lightly venting at the strange sight. It was almost as if he was up close to a quasar, watching the light spin at high velocities and change their color from the composition.

" **You** **_really_ ** **are persistent, Mr. Freeman. Attempting to rewrite your…** **_fate_ ** **, without even knowing what your true goal is. You think you can change what I have set out to do, but you can't. You think you are the first - you're not.** "

"Where's Alyx? You better not have hurt her!" The bureaucratic man then looked as Alyx's voice came out from the swirling light in the sky, echoing and distorted. It was then Gordon realized that the structure they stood on was the bow of the Borealis. Why was he back here? As he looked over the edge, he saw various memories pass by like coronal mass ejections from that light, what he had been through, in the years he was fighting for his life and the resistance. City 17, Black Mesa, even memories of the death of Eli and Judith Mossman… memories he remembered and memories he shut out of his life.

" **Miss Vance is perfectly in our care. Convincing my eh-eh-eh-eh-employers, was hard enough to do, yet I do believe I'll make a breakthrough with her. She was always going to be the one to hit rock bottom… a repayment owed for your own survival.** " The bureaucratic man slowly lifted his hand and beckoned the light, to which Alyx Vance emerged and was set onto the bow of the ship, looking to the both of them.

"Alyx!" Attempting to run to her, the Freeman was then boxed in by invisible walls. Approaching the young woman, the mysterious man looked to her. 

" **You will be perfect for ensuring the survival of the race, Miss Vance. Join me and leave this world where you have limitless potential. Potential that exceeds far past my…** **_expectations_ ** **.** "

"Don't listen to him, Alyx!"

" **Time to** **_choose_ ** **.** "

"Don't make a deal with him! Deny it! Don't give in! Your dad warned me about him but he killed him! I know he killed him! He didn't want you to learn the truth!" Gordon banged on the invisible wall, as Alyx looked back and forth between the two men, feeling overwhelmed.

" **It's t-time to** **_choose._ ** " Lightly twitching his head, the bureaucratic man lightly hissed as his eyes glowed to a desirable glow of blue, almost trying to entice her to say yes. Approaching closer to her, the pale man lightly hummed and shakily breathed as she clenched her eyes shut, about as frightened as she was back then, as a child. 

Hearing a smash of glass, Gordon looked as a HECU Marine broke out of his own box that he previously didn't see, moving over to Gordon's to smash him out as well. Kicking and running into it with his shoulder, the nametag on his uniform broke off, scattering to the floor. Someone by the name of A. Shephard. 

" **aLyX** !"

"No!" Alyx yelled out in fear. Breaking a hole within the invisible glass, Gordon crawled through and rushed to get the man away from the daughter of his old friend. Trying to put the other into a headlock, the Freeman grunted as he was thrown off again. It wasn't good, this man had unbearable strength.

The Nihilanth was right - he wasn't man.

Getting up from the floor, Gordon watched as the bureaucratic man lightly twitched his head before inhaling deeply, staring at him. Looking up from her hands, Alyx watched as from her perspective, he was the scariest looking monster known to man. However, from Gordon's perspective, he looked like man.

" **Why are you being so uGRatEfUL, Mr. Freeman? If it wasn't for mE, you'd be long gone. Erased from eXiSTenCe. TiMe after tImE again, you would fail. And I would pick up your pIeCes. RepEtitIoN, mistAkeS to reset and reDo. You still eXiSt because of mE. And now… I will collect my rePaYmeNt!** " The bureaucratic man hissed and twitched his head, as the Freeman was then thrown to the side by an invisible force, causing Alyx to gasp in fear.

Being tossed again, Gordon rolled along the metal, coughing lightly from the hard impact. Hearing the other's footsteps, the bearded scientist looked up as his crowbar manifested in front of his very eyes. Taking hold of the metal bar, he swung it once he stood, making a connection to the pale man's face. He expected to see blood to flow from the gash he created, however, all there was was a gaping hole, and a blue outline of where the skin ended. 

"What the  _ hell  _ are you?"

" **YoUr worst trAnScenDenCe.** " The bureaucratic man inhaled shakily and snarled some as he had grown tired of Freeman's interruptions. Before the mysterious man was able to inflict damage to the other, he paused once Alyx yelled out for him to stop. Taking this opportunity, the bearded scientist dropped his crowbar and shoved his thumbs into the other’s eyes, gouging them to a degree.

“Hrnk!” Gordon lightly inhaled as he felt a sharp pain to the right side of his abdomen - the area leaving a burning sensation behind. With his thumbs still pressed into the other’s eye sockets, the Freeman looked down to where he had been stabbed, spotting a translucent appendage throbbing and pulsing with some glow of power. Looking back to the non-man in front of him, Gordon gritted his teeth and pushed the other back, causing the appendage to rip out of him, splattering his warm blood along the deck of the Borealis.

Holding where his eyes used to be, the bureaucratic man called out muffledly, as Gordon couldn’t establish between noises due to the overwhelming pain from practically being gutted. Collapsing to his knees, the Freeman gritted his teeth and hung his head, hearing his H.E.V. suit beep in warning. There had been inflicted damage, he needed medical attention immediately - pumping him full of morphine to try and keep him alive. 

It wasn’t working.  
  


Stumbling back some, the pale man tried to use the transparent appendage to finish the job of killing Freeman, instead, only found his way to the edge of the ship and going overboard, falling into the abyss of memories below. 

The HECU Marine ran to see what might be left of that bastard, yet he saw nothing, nothing but the memories of his own squadron being taken alive by the monsters at Black Mesa during that horrific event. Was he gone forever? Or just out of commission for now? Deep down, he didn’t want to know - yet he wondered why they were still here. 

Rolling onto his back, the Freeman stared up to the obsidian sky, trying his best to prevent significant blood loss - to no avail. Running over to the bearded scientist, Alyx stuttered heavily over her words.

“Gordon! I’m so sorry! I-I-I, this is all my fault! I lost dad, but I can’t lose you too!” Feeling a hand on her knee, Alyx looked as Gordon lightly swallowed and stared up at her. No longer finding a voice to speak to her and give her courage to go on despite the events that unfolded.

“... Man of few words, aren’t you…?” Alyx tearfully held his hand, watching the other as she spoke the words of when they had first met, back at City 17. Formally met, as she was sure that she had met him while as a child. Lightly shaking her head, hazel eyes softened to a sad expression.

“The plan… he had a plan for me. But he wouldn’t tell me why. He kept saying “all in due time” but where he took me… time didn’t exist. And I… I saw my mother. She was still the same as in the picture my dad had. He allowed me to see her but… that was it. I couldn’t talk to her. But she spoke to me.” Alyx then glanced as the HECU Marine who helped Freeman break out of the invisible box approached, kneeling down to the same scientist who he had fought long and hard to capture and interrogate. 

“... I saw you too. You were on a plane. Drifting through nothingness. He didn’t say anything about you, though.” Alyx watched as the soldier looked up to her before glancing back down to Freeman as he was slowly growing weaker.

“... Take care of yourselves… whatever future you create after this is yours to discover. But most of all… forgive yourselves.” Gordon finally managed to speak up, swallowing lightly as his body began to chill, and feel cold. 

“Gordon, don’t go! Please!” Patting her knee, Gordon lightly inhaled as his voice was getting hoarse.  
  


“I should have left… a long time ago. I should have been killed… in that test chamber… in that core… by those Advisors… now… it’s time for me to go. And I will accept it.” Gordon then lightly let go of her knee to reach up and touch her face before collapsing back against the cold metal of the ship’s bow, staring up at the darkened sky before a blinding light seeped over his vision.

As the blinding light ceased to a slow array of colors, Gordon realized where he was. He was back on his shore, with the waves crashing against his feet. He was dressed in his lab attire, yet with his pant legs rolled up and his shoes nowhere to be found. One might mistake him for being on vacation, yet still had the desire to run to work if needed. Lightly inhaling the salty, sea air, the Freeman then turned and glanced at the various Vortigaunts who twitched their ears and fingers.

“... I’m back here? Why? I thought I--”

“The Freeman has completed a lot over the past few decades, and much more between the barriers. We see you in a multitude of places, yet all of us collectively agree that this is your place of poignancy and originality. You are the one between the barriers, and we have come to see you from within.” The head Vortigaunt explained to the other, as the beach remained unscathed, unpolluted and a constant state of motion. Yet there was no society or civilization in sight, almost as if a heavy fog was occurring just past the Freeman’s ability to see afar, and would continue to do so no matter which direction he stepped towards it.

“... What happened to the others?”

“Alive and well. Living for themselves and for others they’ve come to care about.”

“... So I didn’t fail?”

“Nor did the Freeman not succeed. While balance is restored in the world, the resonance to which it lasts will not proceed forever. It is up to us to maintain it.” Green eyes lightly closed before the Freeman nodded, understanding that what goes around must come back. 

“Will they be ready?”

“Promptly so.” 

“That means he’s immortal.”  
  


“ _ It _ is not immortal. Something much more than that.” As the Vortigaunt turned, Gordon then did the same, walking along the beach as there was no need to run. Running meant going nowhere. And nowhere is where he was at.

“We have evaded it for long durations, yet the Freeman is the only one who has injured it to a major degree. While we cannot confirm nor deny that it would return for vengeance, nor of it’s true weakness - we will figure out it’s intentions on survival for a purpose that is needed to be fulfilled.”

“Alyx said the bureaucratic man had plans for her. And going back to Black Mesa - I discovered possibly the same project he wanted to implement her into. I didn’t get to read it, but he purposely showed her deceased mother, Azian. Only let Alyx see her - not talk to her. Yet I have a theory that he was only playing into her demands to get her roped in. Promising her empty lies.” Gordon frowned as they walked and talked along the beach, trying to figure out what this project was indeed about.

“Using Alyx will grant itself more power than it could possibly contain. A higher realm, the potential to convert to true nihilism considerably intense than it’s own benefactors. The Freeman did wise to prevent it’s plans to incorporate.” The Vortigaunt then pointed towards the sea, as some swirls of light were rotating just offshore - almost the same swirling lights as he had seen on the Borealis. 

“... A transcendence.”

“A reminder of what is to be repeated.” Gordon vented in and looked down before spotting the various pieces of paper he had written out before he had previously left his shore. Addendums, to whoever might come across them to read. Lightly inhaling, the Freeman then sat down and took hold of the pen that was partly buried in the sand, wiping the sediment away.

With the Vortigaunts no longer at his side, the bearded scientist stared to his notes before eventually turning the paper to the blank side, clicking his pen to bring out the nib to write. Quietly glancing up to the swirling lights, Gordon then began to write.

  
  
  


Dearest Player,

I spoke of my return to this shore. While I do not know the outcome of the near future, nor of the past, I can only assume my duties of being part of the helping hands will eventually come to a nulled end. Indeed, I could explain in length upon my adventures that led me back here, it will take too long to provide in-depth explanation. My data and experience will be an eyesore to those who don’t wish to indulge.

Forgiveness. Kindness. Honesty. Generosity. 

Our world provides little of it. Whether to others, or even to ourselves - we are determined to prove right at much cost. However, while things need an explanation, nor of it, we do need to provide one thing.

Understanding. 

Understanding the mistakes others make. Understanding the reason we feel a certain way. Understanding the location of where we come from and their rules with regulations. Arguing, fighting, disagreeing - it exhausts energy. Nonetheless, we often need sometimes to do them. 

Fight for rights, or fight to change laws that outcast and incriminate the innocent, fight for a better way to live. Even so, as our lives go on, we grow to evolve. It’s okay to try again. It’s okay to fail. It’s okay to gain that experience as it will benefit you in the end result. It has been said that  _ practice makes perfect _ \- I consider it false. There will never be  _ perfect _ . Stop ruining yourselves to prove yourself a point that your mind won’t listen to. Perfection doesn’t exist. 

It’s okay to not be okay.

It’s okay to feel what you feel.

Forgive yourselves with understanding. It’s necessary to try again - just like you have told me to. Clicking your mouse or  _ X _ ,  _ A _ or whatever button you set it as to try again - you’ve given me purpose. Even so, not only those who restart my moments that are deemed mistakes.

Artists, Crafters, Writers, Animators, Enthusiasts, Actors of both Voice and Person, Cosplayers, and much more who have contributed so much to me and the story - be proud. Someone out there likes your work. Wants more of your work. Wants to indulge in collaboration and make more for generations to stumble upon and forever share in the expanding web. 

You’ve given me half of your life and half of your heart. And for that I thank you. 

Yours in infinite finality,

_ Gordon Freeman, Ph.D. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And here is the end. I appreciate you reading this far and hope you like it!

**Author's Note:**

> These entries will soon come to an end then it will turn onto full-length fiction works afterward.


End file.
